Biyernes, Hulyo 4, 2008

Red ang Luha ni Michael ni JIMMY L. ALCANTARA

Michael and I were meant to be together. Tumira sa iisang komunidad sa Butuan, magkaeskuwela mula prep school hanggang kolehiyo, lumaki na pareho ang barkada, nagsosyo sa bawat stick ng yosi at sa bawat piraso ng french bread, pan de sal, at pan de coco, at kung minsan sa bawat bilog, lapad, at cuatro cantos. Kaya walang nagulat nang isang mahalumigmig at makulimlim na Agosto, magkasama kaming "lumaya" sa Agusan del Norte. Limang libo, transcript of records at sense of adventure ang bulsa-bulsa namin papuntang Maynila.Pagkatapos ng anim na taon ng iba't ibang komedya, trahedya at melodrama, magkasama pa rin kami. Sa isang sulok ng Quezon City kami umupa ng apartment--dalawang kuwarto, three-five. Hati na naman kami sa lahat: renta, pagkain, bayad sa tubig, ilaw, telepono. Akin ang sala set, kanya ang kama; akin ang TV, kanya ang ref; akin into, kanya 'yun. At pag naghiwalay na kami, siyempre naman, kanya-kanyang hila ng gamit.Malabo ang relasyon namin--magkaibigan, mag-asawa, magsyota, magkakilala. Kaya siguro di kami nagpakasal at di rin kami nag-anak. Pero di kami apektado kung di man namin ma-define ang relasyon namin.Yuppy ang gimik ni Mike. Nagtatrabaho siya sa personnel department ng isang ad agency sa Vito Cruz. Wala akong trabaho. Hindi, nawalan ako ng trabaho. Huwag na nating pag-usapan ang nangyari sa CCP. Di raw nila kailangan ang 'nahihibang' na production designer. Masisira daw ang mga dula at musikal nila. Gago raw ang mga kulay at konsepto ko.Isang makulit at mainit na Lunes ng umaga, sa harap ng pinagbuhusan ko ng atensiyon at pawis na omelet at bagong pigang orange juice, nagpabuntung-hininga si Mike at, "Sa init ngayon, natutusta ang utak ko at maalala ko, kinakalawang na ang ref, pag may bisita tayo, gusto kong magtago sa aparador."Napangiti ako. Ito na ang pagkakataon para sorpresahin si Mike. No, di ako bibili ng bagong ref. Babaguhin ko lang ang kulay! Marumihin ang puti, vile naman ang brown. Pula! Tama, scarlet red. Magugustuhan niya.Madrama ang pula, may landi. Minsan morbid pero kadalasan, romantic. Masisiyahan siya. Ako na rin ang magpipinta. Gagawin kong isang obra-maestra ang ref.Sa isang tindahan sa Cubao bumili ako ng malaking lata ng Scarlet Aluminum Paint. Di ko alam kung puwede 'yun sa ref, pero kinuha ko na rin. At isinama ko na rin ang isang brush na katamtaman ang laki para kontrolado ang pagpahid.Kaya pagpasok ni Mike sa trabaho ng Biyernes na iyon, hinarap ko ang ref. Binakbak ko ang lumang balat nito. Binuksan ko ang lata ng pintura at hinalo ang parang dugong likido ayon sa direksiyon. At binanatan ko na.Ang ganda ng kinalabasan. Perfect ang first coating. Bagay na bagay ang kulay. At natakpan ang dumi at iba pang lumang pinturang di natanggal sa ref.Naaliw ako ng husto sa ginagawa ko, kaya di ko na nahintay na matuyo ang unang coating bago pahiran uli. At para makasiguro na di mababakbak ang pintura, pinahiran ko pa ng isa. At ngayon ko na-realize na dry ang itsura ng kusina, walang dating. Sinimulan kong pasadahan ang mga cupboards. Kaya lang, natuluan ang lababo, itinuloy ko na rin ang pagpinta rito. Ilang pahiran lang, bagung-bago na ang mukha ng kusina--intense.Di na ako nakapagpigil. Nang mapuno ang sahig ng kusina ng mga pulang polka dots, napagpasiyahan kong gawing maliliit na puso ang mga ito. To relieve the monotonous squareness of the tiles, kung baga.Tutal narumihan na ang kamay ko at bukas na ang lata, naggalugad ako sa loob ng bahay ng puwede pang mapinturahan. Dali-dali kong hinarap ang nangungupas na lampshade, ang miniature na model ng Eiffel Tower, ang frame ng isang pekeng Monet, ang mga paso at dahon ng palmera, airpot, pati na ang tsinelas ni Mike sa loob ng bahay.Naa-addict na ako sa ginagawa ko. Pero nang makita ko ang itsura ng pinto ng bahay, di ko napaglabanan ang tukso. Kulay dilaw na brown na puti ang kulay ng pinto. Ilang pahiran lang at nawala ang ambiguity nito.Pagkatapos ng pinto, naisip ko: "Ayoko na, tama na." Pero di siguro magandang tingnan na isang picture frame lang ng bahay ang kulay pula, kaya pinintahan ko ang lahat. Ilang minuto ako sa ceiling fan. Ang dutsa sa kubeta at ang mga gripo, nag-improve mula sa walang kalatuy-latoy na silver.Habang pinapasadahan ko ang gilid ng TV, nahulog ang brush sa kaliwang sapatos kong de-goma. Itinuloy ko na rin ang pagpipinta sa sapatos--sa isang paa lang. Parang si Tom Hanks sa Man with one red shoe.Pagkatapos ng konting pahiran sa radyo, determinado na akong huminto--sa sandaling lagyan ko ng glamour ang mga throw pillows. Kaya lang, natilamsikan ang rug. I'm sure, masisiyahan kayong malaman na maganda ang pagkaka-absorb ng rug sa pintura. Di ko lang alam kung iyon ay dahil sa kalidad ng pintura o ng rug.Pumanhik ako sa kuwarto at hinarap ang mga aparador. Binuksan ko ang isa. Pinasadahan ko ang mga bag at sinturon ni Mike at ilan sa mga attaché cases ko. Bumaba ako at lumabas sa garden at pininturahan ko ang mga praso, ang mga dahon ng san francisco at gumawa ng kauna-unahang pulang sampaguita.Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pagpipinta sa telepono nang may kumatok. Si Mike! Binuksan ko ang pinto. Di si Mike. "Sulat galing sa Butuan. Sino si Mike Fernan? Galing sa isang Joan." Inabot ko ang sulat. Maputla ang kulay ng kartero, kulang sa buhay. Pinahiran ko ang mukha niya ng konting pintura para di naman siya mukhang anemic. Di yata naintindihan ng mama ang gusto kong palabasin, at nagtakbo itong humihiyaw.Habang pinipintahan ko ang dingding ng sala para ibagay sa bagong personalidad ng bahay, bumukas ang pinto at bumulaga si Mike."Ipinagpaumanhin ninyo," sabi niya, "nagkamali ako. Akala ko'y ito ang bahay ko at ikaw ang Ricky ko."Hinawakan niya ang pulang doorknob at lalabas na sana nang pigilan ko siya."Mike, ako ang Ricky mo. Di ka ba nasorpresa, ref mo'y iba na?"Di lang siya nasorpresa, nagulantang pa siya. Doon na raw muna siya sa kaibigan niya sa Fairview. Iiwan na raw niya sa akin ang ref niya, ang kama niya, ang ito niya, ang iyon na. Aalis na raw siya at di siguro kung babalik--pero di pa siya makaalis kasi'y basa pa ng pintura ang mga maleta niya. Di malaman ang gagawin, bumigay ang tear ducts niya."Totoo ngang nababaliw ka na. Sabi mo'y matino ka na. Ibabalik uli kita sa basement. Sana'y gumaling ka na. Ayoko kasing mag-isa."Wala akong nasabi at sa isang mahinay na unday, pinintahan ko ang mga luha niya ng pula. Naubos ang laman ng lata.

Quiapo by JOHN PAUL ABELLERA

It was only six o’ clock in the morning but Quiapo was already bustling with life. The streets and thoroughfares were filled with cars, jeepneys and buses moving at sloth pace. People of all kinds—from vendors with toothless smiles to professionals with frowns to hide their dentures—fought for space in the overcrowded sidewalks. The combination of various city sounds—cars honking, preachers shouting, beggars crying – threatened to break any sound barrier. It was only six o’ clock.All signs of morning life in Quiapo were lost on a young boy sleeping outside the doors of the Church of the Black Nazarene. He was shivering in his sleep. How the rags he was wearing could have protected him from the harsh cold was a mystery to everyone walking past him. He was dirty; his face and limbs covered with numerous bruises. In his sleep, he brushed his dirty hand across his dirty face, smearing his cheeks with the mucus flowing steadily from his nostrils.The young boy awoke with the sensation of someone tickling his sole. He opened both eyes and stared at the morning sky. The bright rays of the sun greeted him but they could not radiate enough warmth to keep his body from shivering. He looked at his feet and saw the source of the tickling sensation – a limp and dirty dog, a beggar like himself, was busy licking the sores at his foot. He kicked the dog away, and even threw a stone at it. The poor dog scampered away whining. He sat up, scratching the mosquito bites on his legs until they bled. Involuntarily his stomach growled. He suddenly remembered that he had not eaten since lunch yesterday. He willed his weak body to move and went to the nearest garbage can. He scavenged through it, sifting the pile of trash thrown by people comfortably placed on the opposite end of the economic bracket. He soon found what he was looking for – a big, empty can of Del Monte pineapple juice. He sniffed at it – the smell of pineapples was lost in the mix of hamburgers, chocolates, gums and feces.Holding the can firmly, he dragged himself to the doorway of the church. He leaned forward to catch a glimpse of the church’s interior. He stared in awe at the various icons of spirituality dressed in majestic robes and decorated with multi-colored gems. The pious ones, clutching faded plastic beads of the rosary, walked on their knees towards these icons. In a slow, trance-like way, they wiped these icons’ limbs with their handkerchiefs, which moments ago wiped away the sweat and mucus from their faces. The boy gathered his strength and ran towards the start of the line. Lacking a handkerchief, he rubbed his dust and soot-covered fingers across the Virgin Mary’s pristine white robes and ivory-smooth feet. For each smear of his fingers, he breathed a prayer for a better life. He closed his eyes and imagined the Virgin Mary leaning down to catch every wish that fell from his lips. Suddenly, he felt someone grab his shirt. He opened his eyes, and saw a burly man in white barong dragging him out of the church. He tried to clutch at the Virgin Mary’s robes, but he was far away from her. The burly man dropped him at the church’s doorway. He tried to get in again, but the refused to let him in.The boy finally gave up. He went towards the throng of people outside the church, and stretched out his can to the old men with canes and the old women with veils. He silently prayed to the Black Nazarene for these devotees to pity him and give him some of their copper, silver and gold coins. He closed his eyes and prayed harder that some would be kind enough to give him folded bills instead of coins. Three-quarters of an hour had passed but not even once did hear a single coin drop in his can. He shook the can, hoping to hear something move inside it. Nada. Tired and hungry, he sat down and leaned back on the church door. He observed the various kinds of people walking, running before him. It was during moments like this that he felt separated from the rest of society. He knew he was different, especially from the cigarette-puffing college students. With their good looks, clean uniforms and gadgets of all types, these students seem superhuman to him. They were fair, wingless angels walking on the dirty streets of Quiapo, answering the calls of heaven through their cell phones and beepers. How he envied them! How he wanted to be one of them! Then, perhaps, he would be able to leave his miserable life in Quiapo and start anew in the gold and marble laden halls of heaven. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine himself as one of those angels – puffing blue seal cigarettes and sending text messages to his fellow angels.Even through his closed eyelids, he can sense something blocking the sunlight. He opened his eyes and saw a tall man looming over him. The man was fair-skinned, with blond hair and an expensive camera hung around his neck. The man was saying something but he could not understand him. The language was different from the one he learned while growing up. The man brought out a magazine and pointed at the cover where he saw a pair of African children asking for alms. The man repeatedly pointed at the camera, the magazine cover and at him. Finally, he realized that the man wanted to take his picture. He immediately stood up and nodded his head excitedly. He arranged his rags and smiled at the camera. It surprised him when he saw the man vehemently shaking his head. He watched as the man stretched out his hand and made a pitiful face, just like those of the African children. He then understood that the man wanted to take his picture as a miserable child, not as a happy one. Pretending to be one of the African children, he stretched out his hand and made a pitiful face.The flash blinded him for a moment. Afterwards the man took a bill from his wallet and gave it to him. His dirty and callused fingers tightly gripped the bill. He watched the man leave, eventually losing sight of him in the crowd of people. He then opened his fist and saw the crumpled ten-peso bill. He smiled and looked upwards to the skies. Suddenly, he knew how it felt to be an angel. With the money in his hand, he thought of the five days’ worth of cigarettes he could finally buy.

Emmanuel ni Efren Abueg

Sa taya ko'y mga dalawampu't anim na taon siya. Maputi. Mataas. Matangos ang ilong. Malalamlam ang mata. Malago ang kilay. Daliring-babae. Nakapantalon ng abuhing korduroy at iskiper na kulay-langit. Nagbakasyon ako sa Naga sa anyaya ng isang kaibigan, at nang pabalik na ako sa Maynila lulan ng tren, ay nagkatabi kami sa kotseng primera klase. Nakababagot ang mahabang paglalakbay. At sa kawalan ng mapaglibanga'y nakipag-usap ako sa kanya. Hindi siya masalita, ngunit isa siyang mabuting tagapakinig. Malungkot ang kanyang tinig, at ang ilang kasagutan niya sa mga katanungan ko'y tila kakambal ng hiwaga. Naitanong ko kung saan siya nanggaling. "Marami akong pinanggagalingan," sagot niya. "Naglilibot?" "Siguro. Ewan ko." Sa manaka-nakang pagsasalita niya'y natiyak kong malawak ang kanyang kaalaman. Bawat paksang buksan ko'y saklaw niya: sining, siyensiya, kasaysayan, relihiyon, pulitika. Sa madaling salita'y sinapit namin ang Maynila. Bago kami naghiwalay ay nagkamay kami't nagpakilala sa isa't isa. "Minsan, magpasyal ka sa bahay." Sinabi niya ang kanyang tirahan; tinandaan ko iyon at nang magkalayo kami'y itinala ko sa likod ng kaha ng posporo. Aywan ko kung anong pang-akit mayroon si Emmanuel upang hangarin kong magkita kaming muli. Dinalaw ko siya makalipas ang limang araw. Marahil ay labis ang katagang "nanggilalas," ngunit tunay na nanggilalas ako nang makita ko ang bahay na tinitirhan niya. Mahirap ilarawan ang bahay na iyon. Ang masasabi ko lamang, bago ako makapagpatayo ng gayong bahay ay kailangang tumama muna ako ng unang gantimpala sa karaniwang bolahan ng suwipistik. May pulang Thunderbird sa carport. Bago ako pinatuloy ng isang utusang babae ay ipinagbigay-alam muna niya kay Emmanuel ang aking pagdating. Nasa salas si Emmanuel, nakaunat sa mahabang sopa. Nakaputing korto siya, hubad-baro. Mabalahibo ang kanyang binti. Ang mukha niya'y namumula: marahil ay dahil sa alak. Umiinom siya. Nakangiti sa akin si Emmanuel, ngunit ni hindi siya tumayo. Inginuso niya ang isang sopa. Maingat na naupo ako. "Kumusta, brad?" bati niya. "Eto," kiming sagot ko. "Iinom tayo, brad." Husto sa mga makabagong kasangkapan ang kabahayan. May hi-fi. May telebisyon. May telepono. Bentilador. May piyano. "Kung alam kong ganito ka, brad," sabi ko habang sinasalinan ko ng wiski ang basong kaaabot pa lamang sa akin ng utusan, "baka nag-isip muna ako nang makasampu bago ako nagpunta rito." "Ow." Nasakyan niya ang nais kong ipakahulugan. "Walang kuwenta iyan." Itinanong ko ang mga kasambahay niya. "Ako lang, saka ilang katulong." Sa pag-uusap nami'y nalaman kong ulilang lubos na siya. Ang kanyang mga magulang ay nasaawi sa sakuna samantalang nagliliwaliw sa buong daigdig; umano, ang eroplanong kinalululanan ng mga magulang niya'y bumagsak sa Roma. Ang tanging kapatid niya, lalaki at matanda sa kanya, ay may asawa na. Ang paksa'y nagawi sa pag-aaral. "Tapos ako ng medisina pero hindi ko ginagamit," sabi niya. "Hindi ko naman kasi hilig iyon pero siyang ipinakuha ni Mommy. Doktor si Mommy. Sabagay, hindi ko naman alam noon kung anong karera ang talagang gusto ko. Ikaw?" "Kumuha ako ng komersiyo pero nahinto." "Bakit?" "Kinapos," patawang amin ko. "Nagtatrabaho ka na lang?" "Nagbibilang ng bituin. Kung medyo ginaganahan, nagsusulat...nagkukuwento ng mga kalokohan." Dumidilim na nang magpaalam ako. Inihatid ako ni Emmanuel hanggang sa makalabas ng tarangkahan. "Bumalik ka," sabi niya. Tumango ako bagama't hindi ko tiyak kung mababalik pa nga ako sa bahay na iyon. Ngunit nagbalik ako pagkaraan ng dalawang linggo. At gaya noong unang pagsasadya ko roon, si Emmanuel ay dinatnan ko na namang umiinom. Nagkaroon siya ng kainuman. Sa pagbibidahan nami'y naitanong niya kung ako'y mahilig sa babae. "Lalaki tyao, brad," sabi ko. "Anong klaseng babae naman ang gusto mo?" "Maganda. Mabait. Malambing. Ikaw?" "Ewan ko. Maglabas tayo ng babae, gusto mo?" May pumitlag sa dibdi ko. "Kung sa gusto'y talagang gusto ko. Pero hindi ako puwede ngayon." "Kuwarta?" Matunog siyang makiramdam. Tumango ako. "Ow. Walang kuwenta iyan." May tinawagan siya sa telepono. "Susunduin natin sila mamayang alas-otso," pagkababa sa auditibo'y sabi ni Emmanuel. Doon na ako naghapunan. Ikapito ng gabi'y lulan na kami ng Thunderbird. Dumaan kami sa tindahan ng bulaklak at bumili ng dalawang corsage. Alam ko kung kanino namin ibibigay ang mga bulaklak at naisip ko na hindi yata basta babae ang ilalabas namin. Hindi nagkamali ang kutob ko. Ang dalawang babaing kinaon namin, sa mga bahay na tila kastilyo, ay kapwa maganda, parang mga manikin. Myrla ang pangalan ng nakapareha ko. Nagtabi kami sa hulihang upuan ng Thunderbird. Sa kagandahan ni Myrla, at sa bangong nalalanghap ko ay parang ibig kong mangarap nang dilat. Naumid tuloy ang dila ko at bahagya ko nang kausapin si Myrla. Nagnaitklab kami---inom, bidahan, sayaw, inom, sayaw. magkahalong Ingles at Tagalog ang usapan namin. Kalaliman ng gabi'y nilisan namin ang naitklab. Sumagap kami ng hangin sa baybay-dagat. Madilim, ngunit naaaninaw kong hinahalikan ni Emmanuel ang kanyang kapareha. Nobya pala niya, naisip ko. Si Myrla, na ni hindi ko sinasanggi ang kamay, tuwing babalingan ko ay nababanaagan kong nakatingin sa aking mukha. "Lanta naman ako sa kaibigan mo, Manny," sabi ni Myrla, at nagtawa. Madaling-araw na nang ihatid namin ang dalawang babae. "Ikaw, saan kita ihahatid?" tanong ni Emmanuel. "Magtataksi na lang ako." Ngunit mapilit si Emmanuel kaya pumayag na akong pahatid sa kanyang kotse. Sa daan ay sinabi niya sa akin ang dahilan kung bakit pinagtawanan ako ni Myrla. "Moderno sila. Puwede mong hawakan. Puwede mong halikan...for the fun of it, 'ika nga. Pag hindi mo ginawa iyon, parang naiinsulto sila." Wala sa hinagap ko na ang pagkikilala namin ni Emmanuel ay hahantong sa pagiging matalik na magkaibigan. Dumalas ang punta ko sa kanyang bahay. Kapag ginagabi kami sa pagkukuwentuhan, na may kahalong inuman, ay doon na niya ako pinapatulog. Malimit din ay doon ako kumakain. Ngunit habang nagkakalapit ang kalooban nami'y lalo naman siyang nagiging mahiwaga sa akin. May mga pagkakataong parang nawawala siya sa sarili. Nalilingunan ko na lamang na nakatanga siya, waring sakmal ng malalim na pagmumuni. At kapag napuna niyang pinagmamasdan ko siya, agad ay ngingiti siya. Isang araw, samantalang nagbabasa ako sa kanyang aklatan, ay narinig ko sa piyano ang Fantaisie-Impromptu ni Chopin. Lumabas ako. Nasa harap siya ng piyano. Pagkatapos niyang tumugtog ay pumalakpak ako. "Marunong ka pala niyan, a," sabi ko. Nagkibit-balikat siya. Madalas ay lumalabas kami: naglalaro ng boling, naliligo sa mga beach resort at karay namin ang kung sinu-sinong babae, na bilang katuwaa'y maaaring halikan. "Huwag ka lamang gugusto sa sinuman sa kanila, brad," bilin sa akin ni Emmanuel. "Bakit?" "Mayayaman sila, brad. Mahirap silang mapaligaya kahit na ipaghalimbawa nating mayaman ka rin." Nalaliman ako sa sinabi ni Emmanuel. Natitigan ko siya. Ngumiti siya, ngunit ngiting wari'y kaakibat ng hiwaga. Isang gabi'y napansin kong lulugu-lugo si Emmanuel. "Maligaya ka ba, brad?" tanong niya, at ako'y natigilan. "Kung minsa," sagot ko, "pero kadalasa'y hindi." "Sa mga sandaling hindi ka maligaya, alam mo naman ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ka maligaya?" "Siyempre. Kabiguan sa mga hangarin, halimbawa." "May kinalaman ang pera sa mga kabiguan mo?" "Malaki." Tumingkad ang lamlam sa kanyang mga mata. "Hindi ka ba naiinggit sa kalagayan ko?" tanong niya. "Sino'ng hindi maiinggit sa kalagayan mo?" "Nagising ako sa kasaganaan. Mababait, mapagmahal, ang aking mga magulang. Ano man ang hilingin ko sa kanila noo'y ibinibigay nila. Malawak ang kanilang lupain. Si Daddy, bago namatay, ay pangulo ng isang shipping company. Nang masawi sila sa sakuna, kinuwarta ko ang lahat ng ari-ariang minana ko, at inabot iyon nang mahigit na isang milyon. Akin na ang daigdig, sabi ko noon sa sarili. Kukunin ko ang lahat ng kaligayahang maaaring maibigay sa akin ng perang iyon. At ang pagkakilala ko noon sa kaligayahn ay iyong lagi kang may kalong na babae. Iyong may maganda kang bahay, kotse, mga utusan. Nabibili mo ang gusto mong bilhin. Napupuntahan mo ang gusto mong puntahan. Natitikman mo ang gusto mong matikman. Kaya lustay dito, lustay doon ang ginawa ko. Nagalit ang kapatid ko. 'Bakit hindi mo puhunanin sa negosyo ang kuwarta mo?' tanong niya. Pero ayokong magnegosyo. Nakita ko kung gaanong hirap ang inabot ni Daddy sa pagnenegosyo. At mismong si Daddy ang nagsabi na walang katahimikan ang isang naghahawak ng mabibigat na katungkulan. Naisip ko tuloy na mali ang panuntunan niya sa buhay. Ang paghanap ng salapi, nasabi ko noon sa sarili, ay hindi nakapagpapaligaya. Ang paggasa niyon ang nakapagpapaligaya." "Tama." "Ewan ko, brad." "Hindi ka pa maligaya sa buhay mong iyan?" "At ang parteng iyon ang masakit, brad...iyong alam mong nasa iyo na ang lahat para lumigaya ka ay hindi ka pa rin maligaya. Ikaw, kung hindi ka man maligaya'y alam mo naman kung bakit. Pero ako'y hindi ko alam, bagaman nadarama kong parang may hinahanap ako na di ko naman malaman kung ano. Ano pa ang kulang sa akin? Nakapaglibot na ako sa daigdig. Saliksik ko na ang Pilipinas. Nagsugal ako...alak...babae. Binili ko ang bawat maisipan kong luho. Santambak nang libro ang nabasa ko. Nag-aral pa ako ng piyano pagkat baka 'ika ko nasa sining ang hinahanap ko. Maski saan ako sumuling, wala." Nakarinig ako ng sunud-sunod na busina---businang kilala ko---at nang dumungaw ako sa bintana ng apartment na inuupahan nami'y nakita ko ang Thunderbird ni Emmanuel. Pinapagbihis ako ni Emmanuel. Nagtungo kami sa isang cocktail lounge sa Malate, at uminom. "Baka sa isang buwa'y maalis ako, brad," pagbabalita niya. "Gusto kong maglakbay." "Hindi ba't nakapaglakbay ka na?" "Pero iba ito, brad. malamang, e, wala nang balikan ito." Nayanig ako. Ngunit hindi ako nagpahalata. "Paano ang mga ari-arian mo rito?" tanong ko. "Ililipat ko sa kapatid ko." Kung ako'y babae, marahil ay iniyakan ko ang pahihiwalay namin ni Emmanuel. Lumulubog na ang araw at maipu-ipo sa paliparan. Nagkamay kami nang mahigpit. Nakangiti si Emmanuel ngunit hindi maganda ang kanyang ngiti, at naisip ko na marahil ay gayon din ang pagkakangiti ko. "Good luck, brad," sabi ko sabay tapik sa kanyang balikat. Nang lumulan siya sa eroplano, naisip ko na marahil ay nakita ko siya sa huling pagkakataon.

Rip Van Winkle by Washington Irving

The following Tale was found among the papers of the late Diedrich Knickerbocker, an old gentleman of New York, who was very curious in the Dutch history of the province, and the manners of the descendants from its primitive settlers. His historical researches, however, did not lie so much among books as among men; for the former are lamentably scanty on his favorite topics; whereas he found the old burghers, and still more their wives, rich in that legendary lore, so invaluable to true history. Whenever, therefore, he happened upon a genuine Dutch family, snugly shut up in its low-roofed farmhouse, under a spreading sycamore, he looked upon it as a little clasped volume of black-letter, and studied it with the zeal of a book-worm.
The result of all these researches was a history of the province during the reign of the Dutch governors, which he published some years since. There have been various opinions as to the literary character of his work, and, to tell the truth, it is not a whit better than it should be. Its chief merit is its scrupulous accuracy, which indeed was a little questioned on its first appearance, but has since been completely established; and it is now admitted into all historical collections, as a book of unquestionable authority.
The old gentleman died shortly after the publication of his work, and now that he is dead and gone, it cannot do much harm to his memory to say that his time might have been better employed in weightier labors. He, however, was apt to ride his hobby his own way; and though it did now and then kick up the dust a little in the eyes of his neighbors, and grieve the spirit of some friends, for whom he felt the truest deference and affection; yet his errors and follies are remembered "more in sorrow than in anger," and it begins to be suspected, that he never intended to injure or offend. But however his memory may be appreciated by critics, it is still held dear by many folks, whose good opinion is well worth having; particularly by certain biscuit-bakers, who have gone so far as to imprint his likeness on their new-year cakes; and have thus given him a chance for immortality, almost equal to the being stamped on a Waterloo Medal, or a Queen Anne's Farthing.
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Whoever has made a voyage up the Hudson must remember the Kaatskill mountains. They are a dismembered branch of the great Appalachian family, and are seen away to the west of the river, swelling up to a noble height, and lording it over the surrounding country. Every change of season, every change of weather, indeed, every hour of the day, produces some change in the magical hues and shapes of these mountains, and they are regarded by all the good wives, far and near, as perfect barometers. When the weather is fair and settled, they are clothed in blue and purple, and print their bold outlines on the clear evening sky, but, sometimes, when the rest of the landscape is cloudless, they will gather a hood of gray vapors about their summits, which, in the last rays of the setting sun, will glow and light up like a crown of glory.
At the foot of these fairy mountains, the voyager may have descried the light smoke curling up from a village, whose shingle-roofs gleam among the trees, just where the blue tints of the upland melt away into the fresh green of the nearer landscape. It is a little village of great antiquity, having been founded by some of the Dutch colonists, in the early times of the province, just about the beginning of the government of the good Peter Stuyvesant, (may he rest in peace!) and there were some of the houses of the original settlers standing within a few years, built of small yellow bricks brought from Holland, having latticed windows and gable fronts, surmounted with weather-cocks.
In that same village, and in one of these very houses (which, to tell the precise truth, was sadly time-worn and weather-beaten), there lived many years since, while the country was yet a province of Great Britain, a simple good-natured fellow of the name of Rip Van Winkle. He was a descendant of the Van Winkles who figured so gallantly in the chivalrous days of Peter Stuyvesant, and accompanied him to the siege of Fort Christina. He inherited, however, but little of the martial character of his ancestors. I have observed that he was a simple good-natured man; he was, moreover, a kind neighbor, and an obedient hen-pecked husband. Indeed, to the latter circumstance might be owing that meekness of spirit which gained him such universal popularity; for those men are most apt to be obsequious and conciliating abroad, who are under the discipline of shrews at home. Their tempers, doubtless, are rendered pliant and malleable in the fiery furnace of domestic tribulation; and a curtain lecture is worth all the sermons in the world for teaching the virtues of patience and long-suffering. A termagant wife may, therefore, in some respects, be considered a tolerable blessing; and if so, Rip Van Winkle was thrice blessed.
Certain it is, that he was a great favorite among all the good wives of the village, who, as usual, with the amiable sex, took his part in all family squabbles; and never failed, whenever they talked those matters over in their evening gossipings, to lay all the blame on Dame Van Winkle. The children of the village, too, would shout with joy whenever he approached. He assisted at their sports, made their playthings, taught them to fly kites and shoot marbles, and told them long stories of ghosts, witches, and Indians. Whenever he went dodging about the village, he was surrounded by a troop of them, hanging on his skirts, clambering on his back, and playing a thousand tricks on him with impunity; and not a dog would bark at him throughout the neighborhood.
The great error in Rip's composition was an insuperable aversion to all kinds of profitable labor. It could not be from the want of assiduity or perseverance; for he would sit on a wet rock, with a rod as long and heavy as a Tartar's lance, and fish all day without a murmur, even though he should not be encouraged by a single nibble. He would carry a fowling-piece on his shoulder for hours together, trudging through woods and swamps, and up hill and down dale, to shoot a few squirrels or wild pigeons. He would never refuse to assist a neighbor even in the roughest toil, and was a foremost man at all country frolics for husking Indian corn, or building stone-fences; the women of the village, too, used to employ him to run their errands, and to do such little odd jobs as their less obliging husbands would not do for them. In a word Rip was ready to attend to anybody's business but his own; but as to doing family duty, and keeping his farm in order, he found it impossible.
In fact, he declared it was of no use to work on his farm; it was the most pestilent little piece of ground in the whole country; every thing about it went wrong, and would go wrong, in spite of him. His fences were continually falling to pieces; his cow would either go astray, or get among the cabbages; weeds were sure to grow quicker in his fields than anywhere else; the rain always made a point of setting in just as he had some out-door work to do; so that though his patrimonial estate had dwindled away under his management, acre by acre, until there was little more left than a mere patch of Indian corn and potatoes, yet it was the worst conditioned farm in the neighborhood.
His children, too, were as ragged and wild as if they belonged to nobody. His son Rip, an urchin begotten in his own likeness, promised to inherit the habits, with the old clothes of his father. He was generally seen trooping like a colt at his mother's heels, equipped in a pair of his father's cast-off galligaskins, which he had much ado to hold up with one hand, as a fine lady does her train in bad weather.
Rip Van Winkle, however, was one of those happy mortals, of foolish, well-oiled dispositions, who take the world easy, eat white bread or brown, whichever can be got with least thought or trouble, and would rather starve on a penny than work for a pound. If left to himself, he would have whistled life away in perfect contentment; but his wife kept continually dinning in his ears about his idleness, his carelessness, and the ruin he was bringing on his family. Morning, noon, and night, her tongue was incessantly going, and everything he said or did was sure to produce a torrent of household eloquence. Rip had but one way of replying to all lectures of the kind, and that, by frequent use, had grown into a habit. He shrugged his shoulders, shook his head, cast up his eyes, but said nothing. This, however, always provoked a fresh volley from his wife; so that he was fain to draw off his forces, and take to the outside of the house - the only side which, in truth, belongs to a hen-pecked husband.
Rip's sole domestic adherent was his dog Wolf, who was as much hen-pecked as his master; for Dame Van Winkle regarded them as companions in idleness, and even looked upon Wolf with an evil eye, as the cause of his master's going so often astray. True it is, in all points of spirit befitting an honorable dog, he was as courageous an animal as ever scoured the woods - but what courage can withstand the ever-during and all-besetting terrors of a woman's tongue? The moment Wolf entered the house his crest fell, his tail drooped to the ground, or curled between his legs, he sneaked about with a gallows air, casting many a sidelong glance at Dame Van Winkle, and at the least flourish of a broom-stick or ladle, he would fly to the door with yelping precipitation.
Times grew worse and worse with Rip Van Winkle as years of matrimony rolled on; a tart temper never mellows with age, and a sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use. For a long while he used to console himself, when driven from home, by frequenting a kind of perpetual club of the sages, philosophers, and other idle personages of the village; which held its sessions on a bench before a small inn, designated by a rubicund portrait of His Majesty George the Third. Here they used to sit in the shade through a long lazy summer's day, talking listlessly over village gossip, or telling endless sleepy stories about nothing. But it would have been worth any statesman's money to have heard the profound discussions that sometimes took place, when by chance an old newspaper fell into their hands from some passing traveller. How solemnly they would listen to the contents, as drawled out by Derrick Van Bummel, the schoolmaster, a dapper learned little man, who was not to be daunted by the most gigantic word in the dictionary; and how sagely they would deliberate upon public events some months after they had taken place.
The opinions of this junto were completely controlled by Nicholas Vedder, a patriarch of the village, and landlord of the inn, at the door of which he took his seat from morning till night, just moving sufficiently to avoid the sun and keep in the shade of a large tree; so that the neighbors could tell the hour by his movements as accurately as by a sundial. It is true he was rarely heard to speak, but smoked his pipe incessantly. His adherents, however (for every great man has his adherents), perfectly understood him, and knew how to gather his opinions. When anything that was read or related displeased him, he was observed to smoke his pipe vehemently, and to send forth short, frequent and angry puffs; but when pleased, he would inhale the smoke slowly and tranquilly, and emit it in light and placid clouds; and sometimes, taking the pipe from his mouth, and letting the fragrant vapor curl about his nose, would gravely nod his head in token of perfect approbation.
From even this stronghold the unlucky Rip was at length routed by his termagant wife, who would suddenly break in upon the tranquillity of the assemblage and call the members all to naught; nor was that august personage, Nicholas Vedder himself, sacred from the daring tongue of this terrible virago, who charged him outright with encouraging her husband in habits of idleness.
Poor Rip was at last reduced almost to despair; and his only alternative, to escape from the labor of the farm and clamor of his wife, was to take gun in hand and stroll away into the woods. Here he would sometimes seat himself at the foot of a tree, and share the contents of his wallet with Wolf, with whom he sympathized as a fellow-sufferer in persecution. "Poor Wolf," he would say, "thy mistress leads thee a dog's life of it; but never mind, my lad, whilst I live thou shalt never want a friend to stand by thee!" Wolf would wag his tail, look wistfuly in his master's face, and if dogs can feel pity I verily believe he reciprocated the sentiment with all his heart.
In a long ramble of the kind on a fine autumnal day, Rip had unconsciously scrambled to one of the highest parts of the Kaatskill mountains. He was after his favorite sport of squirrel shooting, and the still solitudes had echoed and re-echoed with the reports of his gun. Panting and fatigued, he threw himself, late in the afternoon, on a green knoll, covered with mountain herbage, that crowned the brow of a precipice. From an opening between the trees he could overlook all the lower country for many a mile of rich woodland. He saw at a distance the lordly Hudson, far, far below him, moving on its silent but majestic course, with the reflection of a purple cloud, or the sail of a lagging bark, here and there sleeping on its glassy bosom, and at last losing itself in the blue highlands.
On the other side he looked down into a deep mountain glen, wild, lonely, and shagged, the bottom filled with fragments from the impending cliffs, and scarcely lighted by the reflected rays of the setting sun. For some time Rip lay musing on this scene; evening was gradually advancing; the mountains began to throw their long blue shadows over the valleys; he saw that it would be dark long before he could reach the village, and he heaved a heavy sigh when he thought of encountering the terrors of Dame Van Winkle.
As he was about to descend, he heard a voice from a distance, hallooing, "Rip Van Winkle! Rip Van Winkle!" He looked round, but could see nothing but a crow winging its solitary flight across the mountain. He thought his fancy must have deceived him, and turned again to descend, when he heard the same cry ring through the still evening air: "Rip Van Winkle! Rip Van Winkle!" - at the same time Wolf bristled up his back, and giving a low growl, skulked to his master's side, looking fearfully down into the glen. Rip now felt a vague apprehension stealing over him; he looked anxiously in the same direction, and perceived a strange figure slowly toiling up the rocks, and bending under the weight of something he carried on his back. He was surprised to see any human being in this lonely and unfrequented place, but supposing it to be some one of the neighborhood in need of his assistance, he hastened down to yield it.
On nearer approach he was still more surprised at the singularity of the stranger's appearance. He was a short square-built old fellow, with thick bushy hair, and a grizzled beard. His dress was of the antique Dutch fashion - a cloth jerkin strapped round the waist - several pair of breeches, the outer one of ample volume, decorated with rows of buttons down the sides, and bunches at the knees. He bore on his shoulder a stout keg, that seemed full of liquor, and made signs for Rip to approach and assist him with the load. Though rather shy and distrustful of this new acquaintance, Rip complied with his usual alacrity; and mutually relieving one another, they clambered up a narrow gully, apparently the dry bed of a mountain torrent. As they ascended, Rip every now and then heard long rolling peals, like distant thunder, that seemed to issue out of a deep ravine, or rather cleft, between lofty rocks, toward which their rugged path conducted. He paused for an instant, but supposing it to be the muttering of one of those transient thunder-showers which often take place in mountain heights, he proceeded. Passing through the ravine, they came to a hollow, like a small amphitheatre, surrounded by perpendicular precipices, over the brinks of which impending trees shot their branches, so that you only caught glimpses of the azure sky and the bright evening cloud. During the whole time Rip and his companion had labored on in silence; for though the former marvelled greatly what could be the object of carrying a keg of liquor up this wild mountain, yet there was something strange and incomprehensible about the unknown, that inspired awe and checked familiarity.
On entering the amphitheatre, new objects of wonder presented themselves. On a level spot in the centre was a company of odd-looking personages playing at nine-pins. They were dressed in a quaint outlandish fashion; some wore short doublets, others jerkins, with long knives in their belts, and most of them had enormous breeches, of similar style with that of the guide's. Their visages, too, were peculiar: one had a large beard, broad face, and small piggish eyes: the face of another seemed to consist entirely of nose, and was surmounted by a white sugar-loaf hat set off with a little red cock's tail. They all had beards, of various shapes and colors. There was one who seemed to be the commander. He was a stout old gentleman, with a weather-beaten countenance; he wore a laced doublet, broad belt and hanger, high-crowned hat and feather, red stockings, and high-heeled shoes, with roses in them. The whole group reminded Rip of the figures in an old Flemish painting, in the parlor of Dominie Van Shaick, the village parson, and which had been brought over from Holland at the time of the settlement.
What seemed particularly odd to Rip was, that though these folks were evidently amusing themselves, yet they maintained the gravest faces, the most mysterious silence, and were, withal, the most melancholy party of pleasure he had ever witnessed. Nothing interrupted the stillness of the scene but the noise of the balls, which, whenever they were rolled, echoed along the mountains like rumbling peals of thunder.
As Rip and his companion approached them, they suddenly desisted from their play, and stared at him with such fixed statue-like gaze, and such strange, uncouth, lack-lustre countenances, that his heart turned within him, and his knees smote together. His companion now emptied the contents of the keg into large flagons, and made signs to him to wait upon the company. He obeyed with fear and trembling; they quaffed the liquor in profound silence, and then returned to their game.
By degrees Rip's awe and apprehension subsided. He even ventured, when no eye was fixed upon him, to taste the beverage, which he found had much of the flavor of excellent Hollands. He was naturally a thirsty soul, and was soon tempted to repeat the draught. One taste provoked another; and he reiterated his visits to the flagon so often that at length his senses were overpowered, his eyes swam in his head, his head gradually declined, and he fell into a deep sleep.
On waking, he found himself on the green knoll whence he had first seen the old man of the glen. He rubbed his eyes - it was a bright sunny morning. The birds were hopping and twittering among the bushes, and the eagle was wheeling aloft, and breasting the pure mountain breeze. "Surely," thought Rip, "I have not slept here all night." He recalled the occurrences before he fell asleep. The strange man with a keg of liquor - the mountain ravine - the wild retreat among the rocks - the woe-begone party at ninepins - the flagon - "Oh! that flagon! that wicked flagon!" thought Rip - "what excuse shall I make to Dame Van Winkle!"
He looked round for his gun, but in place of the clean well-oiled fowling-piece, he found an old firelock lying by him, the barrel incrusted with rust, the lock falling off, and the stock worm-eaten. He now suspected that the grave roysterers of the mountain had put a trick upon him, and having dosed him with liquor, had robbed him of his gun. Wolf, too, had disappeared, but he might have strayed away after a squirrel or partridge. He whistled after him and shouted his name, but all in vain; the echoes repeated his whistle and shout, but no dog was to be seen.
He determined to revisit the scene of the last evening's gambol, and if he met with any of the party, to demand his dog and gun. As he rose to walk, he found himself stiff in the joints, and wanting in his usual activity. "These mountain beds do not agree with me," thought Rip; "and if this frolic should lay me up with a fit of the rheumatism, I shall have a blessed time with Dame Van Winkle." With some difficulty he got down into the glen: he found the gully up which he and his companion had ascended the preceding evening; but to his astonishment a mountain stream was now foaming down it, leaping from rock to rock, and filling the glen with babbling murmurs. He, however, made shift to scramble up its sides, working his toilsome way through thickets of birch, sassafras, and witch-hazel, and sometimes tripped up or entangled by the wild grapevines that twisted their coils or tendrils from tree to tree, and spread a kind of network in his path.
At length he reached to where the ravine had opened through the cliffs to the amphitheatre; but no traces of such opening remained. The rocks presented a high impenetrable wall over which the torrent came tumbling in a sheet of feathery foam, and fell into a broad deep basin, black from the shadows of the surrounding forest. Here, then, poor Rip was brought to a stand. He again called and whistled after his dog; he was only answered by the cawing of a flock of idle crows, sporting high in air about a dry tree that overhung a sunny precipice; and who, secure in their elevation, seemed to look down and scoff at the poor man's perplexities. What was to be done? the morning was passing away, and Rip felt famished for want of his breakfast. He grieved to give up his dog and gun; he dreaded to meet his wife; but it would not do to starve among the mountains. He shook his head, shouldered the rusty firelock, and, with a heart full of trouble and anxiety, turned his steps homeward.
As he approached the village he met a number of people, but none whom he knew, which somewhat surprised him, for he had thought himself acquainted with every one in the country round. Their dress, too, was of a different fashion from that to which he was accustomed. They all stared at him with equal marks of surprise, and whenever they cast their eyes upon him, invariably stroked their chins. The constant recurrence of this gesture induced Rip, involuntarily, to do the same, when to his astonishment, he found his beard had grown a foot long!
He had now entered the skirts of the village. A troop of strange children ran at his heels, hooting after him, and pointing at his gray beard. The dogs, too, not one of which he recognized for an old acquaintance, barked at him as he passed. The very village was altered; it was larger and more populous. There were rows of houses which he had never seen before, and those which had been his familiar haunts had disappeared. Strange names were over the doors - strange faces at the windows - every thing was strange. His mind now misgave him; he began to doubt whether both he and the world around him were not bewitched. Surely this was his native village, which he had left but the day before. There stood the Kaatskill mountains - there ran the silver Hudson at a distance - there was every hill and dale precisely as it had always been - Rip was sorely perplexed - "That flagon last night," thought he, "has addled my poor head sadly!"
It was with some difficulty that he found the way to his own house, which he approached with silent awe, expecting every moment to hear the shrill voice of Dame Van Winkle. He found the house gone to decay - the roof fallen in, the windows shattered, and the doors off the hinges. A half-starved dog that looked like Wolf was skulking about it. Rip called him by name, but the cur snarled, showed his teeth, and passed on. This was an unkind cut indeed - "My very dog," sighed poor Rip, "has forgotten me!"
He entered the house, which, to tell the truth, Dame Van Winkle had always kept in neat order. It was empty, forlorn, and apparently abandoned. This desolateness overcame all his connubial fears - he called loudly for his wife and children - the lonely chambers rang for a moment with his voice, and then all again was silence.
He now hurried forth, and hastened to his old resort, the village inn - but it too was gone. A large rickety wooden building stood in its place, with great gaping windows, some of them broken and mended with old hats and petticoats, and over the door was painted, "the Union Hotel, by Jonathan Doolittle." Instead of the great tree that used to shelter the quiet little Dutch inn of yore, there now was reared a tall naked pole, with something on the top that looked like a red night-cap, and from it was fluttering a flag, on which was a singular assemblage of stars and stripes - all this was strange and incomprehensible. He recognized on the sign, however, the ruby face of King George, under which he had smoked so many a peaceful pipe; but even this was singularly metamorphosed. The red coat was changed for one of blue and buff, a sword was held in the hand instead of a sceptre, the head was decorated with a cocked hat, and underneath was painted in large characters, GENERAL WASHINGTON.
There was, as usual, a crowd of folk about the door, but none that Rip recollected. The very character of the people seemed changed. There was a busy, bustling, disputatious tone about it, instead of the accustomed phlegm and drowsy tranquillity. He looked in vain for the sage Nicholas Vedder, with his broad face, double chin, and fair long pipe, uttering clouds of tobacco-smoke instead of idle speeches; or Van Bummel, the schoolmaster, doling forth the contents of an ancient newspaper. In place of these, a lean, bilious-looking fellow, with his pockets full of handbills, was haranguing vehemently about rights of citizens - elections - members of congress - liberty - Bunker's Hill - heroes of seventy-six - and other words, which were a perfect Babylonish jargon to the bewildered Van Winkle.
The appearance of Rip, with his long grizzled beard, his rusty fowling-piece, his uncouth dress, and an army of women and children at his heels, soon attracted the attention of the tavern politicians. They crowded round him, eyeing him from head to foot with great curiosity. The orator bustled up to him, and, drawing him partly aside, inquired "on which side he voted?" Rip stared in vacant stupidity. Another short but busy little fellow pulled him by the arm, and, rising on tiptoe, inquired in his ear, "Whether he was Federal or Democrat?" Rip was equally at a loss to comprehend the question; when a knowing, self-important old gentleman, in a sharp cocked hat, made his way through the crowd, putting them to the right and left with his elbows as he passed, and planting himself before Van Winkle, with one arm akimbo, the other resting on his cane, his keen eyes and sharp hat penetrating, as it were, into his very soul, demanded in an austere tone, "what brought him to the election with a gun on his shoulder, and a mob at his heels, and whether he meant to breed a riot in the village?" - "Alas! gentlemen," cried Rip, somewhat dismayed, "I am a poor quiet man, a native of the place, and a loyal subject of the king, God bless him!"
Here a general shout burst from the by-standers - "A tory! a tory! a spy! a refugee! hustle him! away with him!" It was with great difficulty that the self-important man in the cocked hat restored order; and, having assumed a tenfold austerity of brow, demanded again of the unknown culprit, what he came there for, and whom he was seeking? The poor man humbly assured him that he meant no harm, but merely came there in search of some of his neighbors, who used to keep about the tavern.
"Well - who are they? - name them."
Rip bethought himself a moment, and inquired, "Where's Nicholas Vedder?"
There was a silence for a little while, when an old man replied, in a thin piping voice, "Nicholas Vedder! why, he is dead and gone these eighteen years! There was a wooden tombstone in the church-yard that used to tell all about him, but that's rotten and gone too."
"Where's Brom Dutcher?"
"Oh, he went off to the army in the beginning of the war; some say he was killed at the storming of Stony Point - others say he was drowned in a squall at the foot of Antony's Nose. I don't know - he never came back again."
"Where's Van Bummel, the schoolmaster?"
"He went off to the wars too, was a great militia general, and is now in congress."
Rip's heart died away at hearing of these sad changes in his home and friends, and finding himself thus alone in the world. Every answer puzzled him too, by treating of such enormous lapses of time, and of matters which he could not understand: war - congress - Stony Point; - he had no courage to ask after any more friends, but cried out in despair, "Does nobody here know Rip Van Winkle?"
"Oh, Rip Van Winkle!" exclaimed two or three, "Oh, to be sure! that's Rip Van Winkle yonder, leaning against the tree."
Rip looked, and beheld a precise counterpart of himself, as he went up the mountain: apparently as lazy, and certainly as ragged. The poor fellow was now completely confounded. He doubted his own identity, and whether he was himself or another man. In the midst of his bewilderment, the man in the cocked hat demanded who he was, and what was his name?
"God knows," exclaimed he, at his wit's end; "I'm not myself - I'm somebody else - that's me yonder - no - that's somebody else got into my shoes - I was myself last night, but I fell asleep on the mountain, and they've changed my gun, and every thing's changed, and I'm changed, and I can't tell what's my name, or who I am!"
The by-standers began now to look at each other, nod, wink significantly, and tap their fingers against their foreheads. There was a whisper also, about securing the gun, and keeping the old fellow from doing mischief, at the very suggestion of which the self-important man in the cocked hat retired with some precipitation. At this critical moment a fresh comely woman pressed through the throng to get a peep at the gray-bearded man. She had a chubby child in her arms, which, frightened at his looks, began to cry. "Hush, Rip," cried she, "hush, you little fool; the old man won't hurt you." The name of the child, the air of the mother, the tone of her voice, all awakened a train of recollections in his mind. "What is your name, my good woman?" asked he.
"Judith Gardenier."
"And your father's name?"
"Ah, poor man, Rip Van Winkle was his name, but it's twenty years since he went away from home with his gun, and never has been heard of since - his dog came home without him; but whether he shot himself, or was carried away by the Indians, nobody can tell. I was then but a little girl."
Rip had but one question more to ask; but he put it with a faltering voice:
"Where's your mother?"
"Oh, she too had died but a short time since; she broke a blood-vessel in a fit of passion at a New-England peddler."
There was a drop of comfort, at least, in this intelligence. The honest man could contain himself no longer. He caught his daughter and her child in his arms. "I am your father!" cried he - "Young Rip Van Winkle once - old Rip Van Winkle now! - Does nobody know poor Rip Van Winkle?"
All stood amazed, until an old woman, tottering out from among the crowd, put her hand to her brow, and peering under it in his face for a moment, exclaimed, "Sure enough! it is Rip Van Winkle - it is himself! Welcome home again, old neighbor - Why, where have you been these twenty long years?"
Rip's story was soon told, for the whole twenty years had been to him but as one night. The neighbors stared when they heard it; some were seen to wink at each other, and put their tongues in their cheeks: and the self-important man in the cocked hat, who, when the alarm was over, had returned to the field, screwed down the corners of his mouth, and shook his head - upon which there was a general shaking of the head throughout the assemblage.
It was determined, however, to take the opinion of old Peter Vanderdonk, who was seen slowly advancing up the road. He was a descendant of the historian of that name, who wrote one of the earliest accounts of the province. Peter was the most ancient inhabitant of the village, and well versed in all the wonderful events and traditions of the neighborhood. He recollected Rip at once, and corroborated his story in the most satisfactory manner. He assured the company that it was a fact, handed down from his ancestor the historian, that the Kaatskill mountains had always been haunted by strange beings. That it was affirmed that the great Hendrick Hudson, the first discoverer of the river and country, kept a kind of vigil there every twenty years, with his crew of the Half-moon; being permitted in this way to revisit the scenes of his enterprise, and keep a guardian eye upon the river, and the great city called by his name. That his father had once seen them in their old Dutch dresses playing at nine-pins in a hollow of the mountain; and that he himself had heard, one summer afternoon, the sound of their balls, like distant peals of thunder.
To make a long story short, the company broke up, and returned to the more important concerns of the election. Rip's daughter took him home to live with her; she had a snug, well-furnished house, and a stout cheery farmer for a husband, whom Rip recollected for one of the urchins that used to climb upon his back. As to Rip's son and heir, who was the ditto of himself, seen leaning against the tree, he was employed to work on the farm; but evinced an hereditary disposition to attend to anything else but his business.
Rip now resumed his old walks and habits; he soon found many of his former cronies, though all rather the worse for the wear and tear of time; and preferred making friends among the rising generation, with whom he soon grew into great favor.
Having nothing to do at home, and being arrived at that happy age when a man can be idle with impunity, he took his place once more on the bench at the inn door, and was reverenced as one of the patriarchs of the village, and a chronicle of the old times "before the war." It was some time before he could get into the regular track of gossip, or could be made to comprehend the strange events that had taken place during his torpor. How that there had been a revolutionary war - that the country had thrown off the yoke of old England - and that, instead of being a subject of his Majesty George the Third, he was now a free citizen of the United States. Rip, in fact, was no politician; the changes of states and empires made but little impression on him; but there was one species of despotism under which he had long groaned, and that was - petticoat government. Happily that was at an end; he had got his neck out of the yoke of matrimony, and could go in and out whenever he pleased, without dreading the tyranny of Dame Van Winkle. Whenever her name was mentioned, however, he shook his head, shrugged his shoulders, and cast up his eyes; which might pass either for an expression of resignation to his fate, or joy at his deliverance.
He used to tell his story to every stranger that arrived at Mr. Doolittle's hotel. He was observed, at first, to vary on some points every time he told it, which was, doubtless, owing to his having so recently awaked. It at last settled down precisely to the tale I have related, and not a man, woman, or child in the neighborhood, but knew it by heart. Some always pretended to doubt the reality of it, and insisted that Rip had been out of his head, and that this was one point on which he always remained flighty. The old Dutch inhabitants, however, almost universally gave it full credit. Even to this day they never hear a thunderstorm of a summer afternoon about the Kaatskill, but they say Hendrick Hudson and his crew are at their game of nine-pins; and it is a common wish of all hen-pecked husbands in the neighborhood, when life hangs heavy on their hands, that they might have a quieting draught out of Rip Van Winkle's flagon.
NOTE - The foregoing Tale, one would suspect, had been suggested to Mr. Knickerbocker by a little German superstition about the Emperor Frederick der Rothbart, and the Kypphauser mountain: the subjoined note, however, which he had appended to the tale, shows that it is an absolute fact, narrated with his usual fidelity:
"The story of Rip Van Winkle may seem incredible to many, but nevertheless I give it my full belief, for I know the vicinity of our old Dutch settlements to have been very subject to marvellous events and appearances. Indeed, I have heard many stranger stories than this, in the villages along the Hudson; all of which were too well authenticated to admit of a doubt. I have even talked with Rip Van Winkle myself who, when last I saw him, was a very venerable old man, and so perfectly rational and consistent on every other point, that I think no conscientious person could refuse to take this into the bargain; nay, I have seen a certificate on the subject taken before a country justice and signed with a cross, in the justice's own handwriting. The story, therefore, is beyond the possibility of doubt. D. K."

Abandoned by Guy de Maupassant

"I really think you must be mad, my dear, to go for a country walk in such weather as this. You have had some very strange notions for the last two months. You drag me to the seaside in spite of myself, when you have never once had such a whim during all the forty-four years that we have been married. You chose Fecamp, which is a very dull town, without consulting me in the matter, and now you are seized with such a rage for walking, you who hardly ever stir out on foot, that you want to take a country walk on the hottest day of the year. Ask d'Apreval to go with you, as he is ready to gratify all your whims. As for me, I am going back to have a nap."
Madame de Cadour turned to her old friend and said:
"Will you come with me, Monsieur d'Apreval?"
He bowed with a smile, and with all the gallantry of former years:
"I will go wherever you go," he replied.
"Very well, then, go and get a sunstroke," Monsieur de Cadour said; and he went back to the Hotel des Bains to lie down for an hour or two.
As soon as they were alone, the old lady and her old companion set off, and she said to him in a low voice, squeezing his hand:
"At last! at last!"
"You are mad," he said in a whisper. "I assure you that you are mad. Think of the risk you are running. If that man--"
She started.
"Oh! Henri, do not say that man, when you are speaking of him."
"Very well," he said abruptly, "if our son guesses anything, if he has any suspicions, he will have you, he will have us both in his power. You have got on without seeing him for the last forty years. What is the matter with you to-day?"
They had been going up the long street that leads from the sea to the town, and now they turned to the right, to go to Etretat. The white road stretched in front of him, then under a blaze of brilliant sunshine, so they went on slowly in the burning heat. She had taken her old friend's arm, and was looking straight in front of her, with a fixed and haunted gaze, and at last she said:
"And so you have not seen him again, either?"
"No, never."
"Is it possible?"
"My dear friend, do not let us begin that discussion again. I have a wife and children and you have a husband, so we both of us have much to fear from other people's opinion."
She did not reply; she was thinking of her long past youth and of many sad things that had occurred. How well she recalled all the details of their early friendship, his smiles, the way he used to linger, in order to watch her until she was indoors. What happy days they were, the only really delicious days she had ever enjoyed, and how quickly they were over!
And then--her discovery--of the penalty she paid! What anguish!
Of that journey to the South, that long journey, her sufferings, her constant terror, that secluded life in the small, solitary house on the shores of the Mediterranean, at the bottom of a garden, which she did not venture to leave. How well she remembered those long days which she spent lying under an orange tree, looking up at the round, red fruit, amid the green leaves. How she used to long to go out, as far as the sea, whose fresh breezes came to her over the wall, and whose small waves she could hear lapping on the beach. She dreamed of its immense blue expanse sparkling under the sun, with the white sails of the small vessels, and a mountain on the horizon. But she did not dare to go outside the gate. Suppose anybody had recognized her!
And those days of waiting, those last days of misery and expectation! The impending suffering, and then that terrible night! What misery she had endured, and what a night it was! How she had groaned and screamed! She could still see the pale face of her lover, who kissed her hand every moment, and the clean-shaven face of the doctor and the nurse's white cap.
And what she felt when she heard the child's feeble cries, that wail, that first effort of a human's voice!
And the next day! the next day! the only day of her life on which she had seen and kissed her son; for, from that time, she had never even caught a glimpse of him.
And what a long, void existence hers had been since then, with the thought of that child always, always floating before her. She had never seen her son, that little creature that had been part of herself, even once since then; they had taken him from her, carried him awav, and had hidden him. All she knew was that he had been brought up by some peasants in Normandy, that he had become a peasant himself, had married well, and that his father, whose name he did not know, had settled a handsome sum of money on him.
How often during the last forty years had she wished to go and see him and to embrace him! She could not imagine to herself that he had grown! She always thought of that small human atom which she had held in her arms and pressed to her bosom for a day.
How often she had said to M. d'Apreval: "I cannot bear it any longer; I must go and see him."
But he had always stopped her and kept her from going. She would be unable to restrain and to master herself; their son would guess it and take advantage of her, blackmail her; she would be lost.
"What is he like?" she said.
"I do not know. I have not seen him again, either."
"Is it possible? To have a son and not to know him; to be afraid of him and to reject him as if he were a disgrace! It is horrible."
They went along the dusty road, overcome by the scorching sun, and continually ascending that interminable hill.
"One might take it for a punishment," she continued; "I have never had another child, and I could no longer resist the longing to see him, which has possessed me for forty years. You men cannot understand that. You must remember that I shall not live much longer, and suppose I should never see him, never have seen him! . . . Is it possible? How could I wait so long? I have thought about him every day since, and what a terrible existence mine has been! I have never awakened, never, do you understand, without my first thoughts being of him, of my child. How is he? Oh, how guilty I feel toward him! Ought one to fear what the world may say in a case like this? I ought to have left everything to go after him, to bring him up and to show my love for him. I should certainly have been much happier, but I did not dare, I was a coward. How I have suffered! Oh, how those poor, abandoned children must hate their mothers!"
She stopped suddenly, for she was choked by her sobs. The whole valley was deserted and silent in the dazzling light and the overwhelming heat, and only the grasshoppers uttered their shrill, continuous chirp among the sparse yellow grass on both sides of the road.
"Sit down a little," he said.
She allowed herself to be led to the side of the ditch and sank down with her face in her hands. Her white hair, which hung in curls on both sides of her face, had become tangled. She wept, overcome by profound grief, while he stood facing her, uneasy and not knowing what to say, and he merely murmured: "Come, take courage."
She got up.
"I will," she said, and wiping her eyes, she began to walk again with the uncertain step of an elderly woman.
A little farther on the road passed beneath a clump of trees, which hid a few houses, and they could distinguish the vibrating and regular blows of a blacksmith's hammer on the anvil; and presently they saw a wagon standing on the right side of the road in front of a low cottage, and two men shoeing a horse under a shed.
Monsieur d' Apreval went up to them.
"Where is Pierre Benedict's farm?" he asked.
"Take the road to the left, close to the inn, and then go straight on; it is the third house past Poret's. There is a small spruce fir close to the gate; you cannot make a mistake."
They turned to the left. She was walking very slowly now, her legs threatened to give way, and her heart was beating so violently that she felt as if she should suffocate, while at every step she murmured, as if in prayer:
"Oh! Heaven! Heaven!"
Monsieur d'Apreval, who was also nervous and rather pale, said to her somewhat gruffly:
"If you cannot manage to control your feelings, you will betray yourself at once. Do try and restrain yourself."
"How can I?" she replied. "My child! When I think that I am going to see my child."
They were going along one of those narrow country lanes between farmyards, that are concealed beneath a double row of beech trees at either side of the ditches, and suddenly they found themselves in front of a gate, beside which there was a young spruce fir.
"This is it," he said.
She stopped suddenly and looked about her. The courtyard, which was planted with apple trees, was large and extended as far as the small thatched dwelling house. On the opposite side were the stable, the barn, the cow house and the poultry house, while the gig, the wagon and the manure cart were under a slated outhouse. Four calves were grazing under the shade of the trees and black hens were wandering all about the enclosure.
All was perfectly still; the house door was open, but nobody was to be seen, and so they went in, when immediately a large black dog came out of a barrel that was standing under a pear tree, and began to bark furiously.
There were four bee-hives on boards against the wall of the house.
Monsieur d'Apreval stood outside and called out:
"Is anybody at home?"
Then a child appeared, a little girl of about ten, dressed in a chemise and a linen, petticoat, with dirty, bare legs and a timid and cunning look. She remained standing in the doorway, as if to prevent any one going in.
"What do you want?" she asked.
"Is your father in?"
"No."
"Where is he?"
"I don't know."
"And your mother?"
"Gone after the cows."
"Will she be back soon?"
"I don't know."
Then suddenly the lady, as if she feared that her companion might force her to return, said quickly:
"I shall not go without having seen him."
"We will wait for him, my dear friend."
As they turned away, they saw a peasant woman coming toward the house, carrying two tin pails, which appeared to be heavy and which glistened brightly in the sunlight.
She limped with her right leg, and in her brown knitted jacket, that was faded by the sun and washed out by the rain, she looked like a poor, wretched, dirty servant.
"Here is mamma," the child said.
When she got close to the house, she looked at the strangers angrily and suspiciously, and then she went in, as if she had not seen them. She looked old and had a hard, yellow, wrinkled face, one of those wooden faces that country people so often have.
Monsieur d'Apreval called her back.
"I beg your pardon, madame, but we came in to know whether you could sell us two glasses of milk."
She was grumbling when she reappeared in the door, after putting down her pails.
"I don't sell milk," she replied.
"We are very thirsty," he said, "and madame is very tired. Can we not get something to drink?"
The peasant woman gave them an uneasy and cunning glance and then she made up her mind.
"As you are here, I will give you some," she said, going into the house, and almost immediately the child came out and brought two chairs, which she placed under an apple tree, and then the mother, in turn, brought out two bowls of foaming milk, which she gave to the visitors. She did not return to the house, however, but remained standing near them, as if to watch them and to find out for what purpose they had come there.
"You have come from Fecamp?" she said.
"Yes," Monsieur d'Apreval replied, "we are staying at Fecamp for the summer."
And then, after a short silence, he continued:
"Have you any fowls you could sell us every week?"
The woman hesitated for a moment and then replied:
"Yes, I think I have. I suppose you want young ones?"
"Yes, of course."
"'What do you pay for them in the market?"
D'Apreval, who had not the least idea, turned to his companion:
"What are you paying for poultry in Fecamp, my dear lady?"
"Four francs and four francs fifty centimes," she said, her eyes full of tears, while the farmer's wife, who was looking at her askance, asked in much surprise
"Is the lady ill, as she is crying?"
He did not know what to say, and replied with some hesitation:
"No--no--but she lost her watch as we came along, a very handsome watch, and that troubles her. If anybody should find it, please let us know."
Mother Benedict did not reply, as she thought it a very equivocal sort of answer, but suddenly she exclaimed:
"Oh, here is my husband!"
She was the only one who had seen him, as she was facing the gate. D'Apreval started and Madame de Cadour nearly fell as she turned round suddenly on her chair.
A man bent nearly double, and out of breath, stood there, ten-yards from them, dragging a cow at the end of a rope. Without taking any notice of the visitors, he said:
"Confound it! What a brute!"
And he went past them and disappeared in the cow house.
Her tears had dried quickly as she sat there startled, without a word and with the one thought in her mind, that this was her son, and D'Apreval, whom the same thought had struck very unpleasantly, said in an agitated voice:
"Is this Monsieur Benedict?"
"Who told you his name?" the wife asked, still rather suspiciously.
"The blacksmith at the corner of the highroad," he replied, and then they were all silent, with their eyes fixed on the door of the cow house, which formed a sort of black hole in the wall of the building. Nothing could be seen inside, but they heard a vague noise, movements and footsteps and the sound of hoofs, which were deadened by the straw on the floor, and soon the man reappeared in the door, wiping his forehead, and came toward the house with long, slow strides. He passed the strangers without seeming to notice them and said to his wife:
"Go and draw me a jug of cider; I am very thirsty."
Then he went back into the house, while his wife went into the cellar and left the two Parisians alone.
"Let us go, let us go, Henri," Madame de Cadour said, nearly distracted with grief, and so d'Apreval took her by the arm, helped her to rise, and sustaining her with all his strength, for he felt that she was nearly fainting, he led her out, after throwing five francs on one of the chairs.
As soon as they were outside the gate, she began to sob and said, shaking with grief:
"Oh! oh! is that what you have made of him?"
He was very pale and replied coldly:
"I did what I could. His farm is worth eighty thousand francs, and that is more than most of the sons of the middle classes have."
They returned slowly, without speaking a word. She was still crying; the tears ran down her cheeks continually for a time, but by degrees they stopped, and they went back to Fecamp, where they found Monsieur de Cadour waiting dinner for them. As soon as he saw them, he began to laugh and exclaimed:
"So my wife has had a sunstroke, and I am very glad of it. I really think she has lost her head for some time past!"
Neither of them replied, and when the husband asked them, rubbing his hands:
"Well, I hope that, at least, you have had a pleasant walk?"
Monsieur d'Apreval replied:
"A delightful walk, I assure you; perfectly delightful."

"The Terror" by Guy de Maupassant

You say you cannot possibly understand it, and I believe you. You think I am losing my mind? Perhaps I am, but for other reasons than those you imagine, my dear friend.
Yes, I am going to be married, and will tell you what has led me to take that step.
I may add that I know very little of the girl who is going to become my wife to-morrow; I have only seen her four or five times. I know that there is nothing unpleasing about her, and that is enough for my purpose. She is small, fair, and stout; so, of course, the day after to-morrow I shall ardently wish for a tall, dark, thin woman.
She is not rich, and belongs to the middle classes. She is a girl such as you may find by the gross, well adapted for matrimony, without any apparent faults, and with no particularly striking qualities. People say of her:
"Mlle. Lajolle is a very nice girl," and tomorrow they will say: "What a very nice woman Madame Raymon is." She belongs, in a word, to that immense number of girls whom one is glad to have for one's wife, till the moment comes when one discovers that one happens to prefer all other women to that particular woman whom one has married.
"Well," you will say to me, "what on earth did you get married for?"
I hardly like to tell you the strange and seemingly improbable reason that urged me on to this senseless act; the fact, however, is that I am afraid of being alone.
I don't know how to tell you or to make you understand me, but my state of mind is so wretched that you will pity me and despise me.
I do not want to be alone any longer at night. I want to feel that there is some one close to me, touching me, a being who can speak and say something, no matter what it be.
I wish to be able to awaken somebody by my side, so that I may be able to ask some sudden question, a stupid question even, if I feel inclined, so that I may hear a human voice, and feel that there is some waking soul close to me, some one whose reason is at work; so that when I hastily light the candle I may see some human face by my side--because--because --I am ashamed to confess it--because I am afraid of being alone.
Oh, you don't understand me yet.
I am not afraid of any danger; if a man were to come into the room, I should kill him without trembling. I am not afraid of ghosts, nor do I believe in the supernatural. I am not afraid of dead people, for I believe in the total annihilation of every being that disappears from the face of this earth.
Well--yes, well, it must be told: I am afraid of myself, afraid of that horrible sensation of incomprehensible fear.
You may laugh, if you like. It is terrible, and I cannot get over it. I am afraid of the walls, of the furniture, of the familiar objects; which are animated, as far as I am concerned, by a kind of animal life. Above all, I am afraid of my own dreadful thoughts, of my reason, which seems as if it were about to leave me, driven away by a mysterious and invisible agony.
At first I feel a vague uneasiness in my mind, which causes a cold shiver to run all over me. I look round, and of course nothing is to be seen, and I wish that there were something there, no matter what, as long as it were something tangible. I am frightened merely because I cannot understand my own terror.
If I speak, I am afraid of my own voice. If I walk, I am afraid of I know not what, behind the door, behind the curtains, in the cupboard, or under my bed, and yet all the time I know there is nothing anywhere, and I turn round suddenly because I am afraid of what is behind me, although there is nothing there, and I know it.
I become agitated. I feel that my fear increases, and so I shut myself up in my own room, get into bed, and hide under the clothes; and there, cowering down, rolled into a ball, I close my eyes in despair, and remain thus for an indefinite time, remembering that my candle is alight on the table by my bedside, and that I ought to put it out, and yet--I dare not do it.
It is very terrible, is it not, to be like that?
Formerly I felt nothing of all that. I came home quite calm, and went up and down my apartment without anything disturbing my peace of mind. Had any one told me that I should be attacked by a malady--for I can call it nothing else--of most improbable fear, such a stupid and terrible malady as it is, I should have laughed outright. I was certainly never afraid of opening the door in the dark. I went to bed slowly, without locking it, and never got up in the middle of the night to make sure that everything was firmly closed.
It began last year in a very strange manner on a damp autumn evening. When my servant had left the room, after I had dined, I asked myself what I was going to do. I walked up and down my room for some time, feeling tired without any reason for it, unable to work, and even without energy to read. A fine rain was falling, and I felt unhappy, a prey to one of those fits of despondency, without any apparent cause, which make us feel inclined to cry, or to talk, no matter to whom, so as to shake off our depressing thoughts.
I felt that I was alone, and my rooms seemed to me to be more empty than they had ever been before. I was in the midst of infinite and overwhelming solitude. What was I to do? I sat down, but a kind of nervous impatience seemed to affect my legs, so I got up and began to walk about again. I was, perhaps, rather feverish, for my hands, which I had clasped behind me, as one often does when walking slowly, almost seemed to burn one another. Then suddenly a cold shiver ran down my back, and I thought the damp air might have penetrated into my rooms, so I lit the fire for the first time that year, and sat down again and looked at the flames. But soon I felt that I could not possibly remain quiet, and so I got up again and determined to go out, to pull myself together, and to find a friend to bear me company.
I could not find anyone, so I walked to the boulevard ro try and meet some acquaintance or other there.
It was wretched everywhere, and the wet pavement glistened in the gaslight, while the oppressive warmth of the almost impalpable rain lay heavily over the streets and seemed to obscure the light of the lamps.
I went on slowly, saying to myself: "I shall not find a soul to talk to."
I glanced into several cafes, from the Madeleine as far as the Faubourg Poissoniere, and saw many unhappy-looking individuals sitting at the tables who did not seem even to have enough energy left to finish the refreshments they had ordered.
For a long time I wandered aimlessly up and down, and about midnight I started for home. I was very calm and very tired. My janitor opened the door at once, which was quite unusual for him, and I thought that another lodger had probably just come in.
When I go out I always double-lock the door of my room, and I found it merely closed, which surprised me; but I supposed that some letters had been brought up for me in the course of the evening.
I went in, and found my fire still burning so that it lighted up the room a little, and, while in the act of taking up a candle, I noticed somebody sitting in my armchair by the fire, warming his feet, with his back toward me.
I was not in the slightest degree frightened. I thought, very naturally, that some friend or other had come to see me. No doubt the porter, to whom I had said I was going out, had lent him his own key. In a moment I remembered all the circumstances of my return, how the street door had been opened immediately, and that my own door was only latched and not locked.
I could see nothing of my friend but his head, and he had evidently gone to sleep while waiting for me, so I went up to him to rouse him. I saw him quite distinctly; his right arm was hanging down and his legs were crossed; the position of his head, which was somewhat inclined to the left of the armchair, seemed to indicate that he was asleep. "Who can it be?" I asked myself. I could not see clearly, as the room was rather dark, so I put out my hand to touch him on the shoulder, and it came in contact with the back of the chair. There was nobody there; the seat was empty.
I fairly jumped with fright. For a moment I drew back as if confronted by some terrible danger; then I turned round again, impelled by an imperious standing upright, panting with fear, so upset that I could not collect my thoughts, and ready to faint.
But I am a cool man, and soon recovered myself. I thought: "It is a mere hallucination, that is all," and I immediately began to reflect on this phenomenon. Thoughts fly quickly at such moments.
I had been suffering from an hallucination, that was an incontestable fact. My mind had been perfectly lucid and had acted regularly and logically, so there was nothing the matter with the brain. It was only my eyes that had been deceived; they had had a vision, one of those visions which lead simple folk to believe in miracles. It was a nervous seizure of the optical apparatus, nothing more; the eyes were rather congested, perhaps.
I lit my candle, and when I stooped down to the fire in doing so I noticed that I was trembling, and I raised myself up with a jump, as if somebody had touched me from behind.
I was certainly not by any means calm.
I walked up and down a little, and hummed a tune or two. Then I double- locked the door and felt rather reassured; now, at any rate, nobody could come in.
I sat down again and thought over my adventure for a long time; then I went to bed and blew out my light.
For some minutes all went well; I lay quietly on my back, but presently an irresistible desire seized me to look round the room, and I turned over on my side.
My fire was nearly out, and the few glowing embers threw a faint light on the floor by the chair, where I fancied I saw the man sitting again.
I quickly struck a match, but I had been mistaken; there was nothing there. I got up, however, and hid the chair behind my bed, and tried to get to sleep, as the room was now dark; but I had not forgotten myself for more than five minutes, when in my dream I saw all the scene which I had previously witnessed as clearly as if it were reality. I woke up with a start, and having lit the candle, sat up in bed, without venturing even to try to go to sleep again.
Twice, however, sleep overcame me for a few moments in spite of myself, and twice I saw the same thing again, till I fancied I was going mad. When day broke, however, I thought that I was cured, and slept peacefully till noon.
It was all past and over. I had been feverish, had had the nightmare. I know not what. I had been ill, in fact, but yet thought I was a great fool.
I enjoyed myself thoroughly that evening. I dined at a restaurant and afterward went to the theatre, and then started for home. But as I got near the house I was once more seized by a strange feeling of uneasiness. I was afraid of seeing him again. I was not afraid of him, not afraid of his presence, in which I did not believe; but I was afraid of being deceived again. I was afraid of some fresh hallucination, afraid lest fear should take possession of me.
For more than an hour I wandered up and down the pavement; then, feeling that I was really too foolish, I returned home. I breathed so hard that I could hardly get upstairs, and remained standing outside my door for more than ten minutes; then suddenly I had a courageous impulse and my will asserted itself. I inserted my key into the lock, and went into the apartment with a candle in my hand. I kicked open my bedroom door, which was partly open, and cast a frightened glance toward the fireplace. There was nothing there. A-h! What a relief and what a delight! What a deliverance! I walked up and down briskly and boldly, but I was not altogether reassured, and kept turning round with a jump; the very shadows in the corners disquieted me.
I slept badly, and was constantly disturbed by imaginary noises, but did not see him; no, that was all over.
Since that time I have been afraid of being alone at night. I feel that the spectre is there, close to me, around me; but it has not appeared to me again.
And supposing it did, what would it matter, since I do not believe in it, and know that it is nothing?
However, it still worries me, because I am constantly thinking of it. His right arm hanging down and his head inclined to the left like a man who was asleep--I don't want to think about it!
Why, however, am I so persistently possessed with this idea? His feet were close to the fire!
He haunts me; it is very stupid, but who and what is he? I know that he does not exist except in my cowardly imagination, in my fears, and in my agony. There--enough of that!
Yes, it is all very well for me to reason with myself, to stiffen my backbone, so to say; but I cannot remain at home because I know he is there. I know I shall not see him again; he will not show himself again; that is all over. But he is there, all the same, in my thoughts. He remains invisible, but that does not prevent his being there. He is behind the doors, in the closed cupboard, in the wardrobe, under the bed, in every dark corner. If I open the door or the cupboard, if I take the candle to look under the bed and throw a light on the dark places he is there no longer, but I feel that he is behind me. I turn round, certain that I shall not see him, that I shall never see him again; but for all that, he is behind me.
It is very stupid, it is dreadful; but what am I to do? I cannot help it.
But if there were two of us in the place I feel certain that he would not be there any longer, for he is there just because I am alone, simply and solely because I am alone!