Miyerkules, Agosto 6, 2008

Isang Dipang Langit ni Amado V. Hernandez

Akoy ipiniit ng linsil na langi
hangad palibhasang diwa koy pilitin,
katawang marupo, aniya’y pagsuko,
damdami’y supil na;t maihiin ay supil

Ikinulong ako sa kutang malupit;
bato bakal punlo, balasik ng bantay:
lubos na tiwalag sa buong daigdig
at inaring kahit buhay man ay patay

Sa munting dungawan, tanging abot-malas
ay sandipang langit na puno ng luha ,
maramot na birang ng pusong may sugat
watawat ng aking pagkapariwara.

Sintalim ng kidlat ang mata ng tanod,
sa pintong may susi’y walang makalapit
sigaw ng bilanggo sa katabing muog,
anaki’y atungal ng hayop sa yungib.

Ang maghapo’y tila isang tanikala
na kalakaladkad ng paanang madugo,
ang buong magdamag ay kulambong luksa
ng kabaong waring lungga ng bilanggo.

Kung minsa’y magdaan ang payak na yabag,
kawil ng kadena ang kumakalanding;
sa maputlang araw saglit ibibilad,
sanlibong aninong inilwa ng dilim.

Kung minsan, ang gabi’y biglang magulantang
sa hudyat--may takas!--at asod ng punlo;
kung minsa’y tumangis ang limang batingaw,
sa bitayang muog, may naghihingalo

At ito ang tanging daigdig ko ngayon--
bilangguang mandi’y libingan ng buhay;
sampu, dalawampu, at lahat ng taon
ng buong buhay ko’y dito mapipigtal.

Nguni’t yaring diwa’y walang takot-hirap
at batitis pa rin itong aking puso:
piita’y bahagi ng pakikilamas,
mapiit ay tanda ng hindi pagsuko.

Ang tao’t Bathala ay di natutulog
at di habang araw ang api ay api,
tanang paniniil ay may pagtutuos,
habang may Bastilya’y may bayang gaganti.

At bukas, diyan din, aking matatanaw
sa sandipang langit na wala nang luha,
sisikat ang gintong araw ng tagumpay . . .
layang sasalubong ako sa paglaya!

Bartolina ng Muntinlupa
Abril 22, 1952

Garden Party by Katherine Mansfield

And after all the weather was ideal. They could not have had a more perfect day for a garden-party if they had ordered it. Windless, warm, the sky without a cloud. Only the blue was veiled with a haze of light gold, as it is sometimes in early summer. The gardener had been up since dawn, mowing the lawns and sweeping them, until the grass and the dark flat rosettes where the daisy plants had been seemed to shine. As for the roses, you could not help feeling they understood that roses are the only flowers that impress people at garden-parties; the only flowers that everybody is certain of knowing. Hundreds, yes, literally hundreds, had come out in a single night; the green bushes bowed down as though they had been visited by archangels. Breakfast was not yet over before the men came to put up the marquee. "Where do you want the marquee put, mother?" "My dear child, it's no use asking me. I'm determined to leave everything to you children this year. Forget I am your mother. Treat me as an honoured guest." But Meg could not possibly go and supervise the men. She had washed her hair before breakfast, and she sat drinking her coffee in a green turban, with a dark wet curl stamped on each cheek. Jose, the butterfly, always came down in a silk petticoat and a kimono jacket. "You'll have to go, Laura; you're the artistic one." Away Laura flew, still holding her piece of bread-and-butter. It's so delicious to have an excuse for eating out of doors, and besides, she loved having to arrange things; she always felt she could do it so much better than anybody else. Four men in their shirt-sleeves stood grouped together on the garden path. They carried staves covered with rolls of canvas, and they had big tool-bags slung on their backs. They looked impressive. Laura wished now that she had not got the bread-and-butter, but there was nowhere to put it, and she couldn't possibly throw it away. She blushed and tried to look severe and even a little bit short-sighted as she came up to them. "Good morning," she said, copying her mother's voice. But that sounded so fearfully affected that she was ashamed, and stammered like a little girl, "Oh - er - have you come - is it about the marquee?"
< 2 > "That's right, miss," said the tallest of the men, a lanky, freckled fellow, and he shifted his tool-bag, knocked back his straw hat and smiled down at her. "That's about it." His smile was so easy, so friendly that Laura recovered. What nice eyes he had, small, but such a dark blue! And now she looked at the others, they were smiling too. "Cheer up, we won't bite," their smile seemed to say. How very nice workmen were! And what a beautiful morning! She mustn't mention the morning; she must be business-like. The marquee. "Well, what about the lily-lawn? Would that do?" And she pointed to the lily-lawn with the hand that didn't hold the bread-and-butter. They turned, they stared in the direction. A little fat chap thrust out his under-lip, and the tall fellow frowned. "I don't fancy it," said he. "Not conspicuous enough. You see, with a thing like a marquee," and he turned to Laura in his easy way, "you want to put it somewhere where it'll give you a bang slap in the eye, if you follow me." Laura's upbringing made her wonder for a moment whether it was quite respectful of a workman to talk to her of bangs slap in the eye. But she did quite follow him. "A corner of the tennis-court," she suggested. "But the band's going to be in one corner." "H'm, going to have a band, are you?" said another of the workmen. He was pale. He had a haggard look as his dark eyes scanned the tennis-court. What was he thinking? "Only a very small band," said Laura gently. Perhaps he wouldn't mind so much if the band was quite small. But the tall fellow interrupted. "Look here, miss, that's the place. Against those trees. Over there. That'll do fine." Against the karakas. Then the karaka-trees would be hidden. And they were so lovely, with their broad, gleaming leaves, and their clusters of yellow fruit. They were like trees you imagined growing on a desert island, proud, solitary, lifting their leaves and fruits to the sun in a kind of silent splendour. Must they be hidden by a marquee? They must. Already the men had shouldered their staves and were making for the place. Only the tall fellow was left. He bent down, pinched a sprig of lavender, put his thumb and forefinger to his nose and snuffed up the smell. When Laura saw that gesture she forgot all about the karakas in her wonder at him caring for things like that - caring for the smell of lavender. How many men that she knew would have done such a thing? Oh, how extraordinarily nice workmen were, she thought. Why couldn't she have workmen for her friends rather than the silly boys she danced with and who came to Sunday night supper? She would get on much better with men like these.
< 3 > It's all the fault, she decided, as the tall fellow drew something on the back of an envelope, something that was to be looped up or left to hang, of these absurd class distinctions. Well, for her part, she didn't feel them. Not a bit, not an atom ... And now there came the chock-chock of wooden hammers. Some one whistled, some one sang out, "Are you right there, matey?" "Matey!" The friendliness of it, the - the - Just to prove how happy she was, just to show the tall fellow how at home she felt, and how she despised stupid conventions, Laura took a big bite of her bread-and-butter as she stared at the little drawing. She felt just like a work-girl. "Laura, Laura, where are you? Telephone, Laura!" a voice cried from the house. "Coming!" Away she skimmed, over the lawn, up the path, up the steps, across the veranda, and into the porch. In the hall her father and Laurie were brushing their hats ready to go to the office. "I say, Laura," said Laurie very fast, "you might just give a squiz at my coat before this afternoon. See if it wants pressing." "I will," said she. Suddenly she couldn't stop herself. She ran at Laurie and gave him a small, quick squeeze. "Oh, I do love parties, don't you?" gasped Laura. "Ra-ther," said Laurie's warm, boyish voice, and he squeezed his sister too, and gave her a gentle push. "Dash off to the telephone, old girl." The telephone. "Yes, yes; oh yes. Kitty? Good morning, dear. Come to lunch? Do, dear. Delighted of course. It will only be a very scratch meal - just the sandwich crusts and broken meringue-shells and what's left over. Yes, isn't it a perfect morning? Your white? Oh, I certainly should. One moment - hold the line. Mother's calling." And Laura sat back. "What, mother? Can't hear." Mrs. Sheridan's voice floated down the stairs. "Tell her to wear that sweet hat she had on last Sunday." "Mother says you're to wear that sweet hat you had on last Sunday. Good. One o'clock. Bye-bye." Laura put back the receiver, flung her arms over her head, took a deep breath, stretched and let them fall. "Huh," she sighed, and the moment after the sigh she sat up quickly. She was still, listening. All the doors in the house seemed to be open. The house was alive with soft, quick steps and running voices. The green baize door that led to the kitchen regions swung open and shut with a muffled thud. And now there came a long, chuckling absurd sound. It was the heavy piano being moved on its stiff castors. But the air! If you stopped to notice, was the air always like this? Little faint winds were playing chase, in at the tops of the windows, out at the doors. And there were two tiny spots of sun, one on the inkpot, one on a silver photograph frame, playing too. Darling little spots. Especially the one on the inkpot lid. It was quite warm. A warm little silver star. She could have kissed it.
< 4 > The front door bell pealed, and there sounded the rustle of Sadie's print skirt on the stairs. A man's voice murmured; Sadie answered, careless, "I'm sure I don't know. Wait. I'll ask Mrs Sheridan." "What is it, Sadie?" Laura came into the hall. "It's the florist, Miss Laura." It was, indeed. There, just inside the door, stood a wide, shallow tray full of pots of pink lilies. No other kind. Nothing but lilies - canna lilies, big pink flowers, wide open, radiant, almost frighteningly alive on bright crimson stems. "O-oh, Sadie!" said Laura, and the sound was like a little moan. She crouched down as if to warm herself at that blaze of lilies; she felt they were in her fingers, on her lips, growing in her breast. "It's some mistake," she said faintly. "Nobody ever ordered so many. Sadie, go and find mother." But at that moment Mrs. Sheridan joined them. "It's quite right," she said calmly. "Yes, I ordered them. Aren't they lovely?" She pressed Laura's arm. "I was passing the shop yesterday, and I saw them in the window. And I suddenly thought for once in my life I shall have enough canna lilies. The garden-party will be a good excuse." "But I thought you said you didn't mean to interfere," said Laura. Sadie had gone. The florist's man was still outside at his van. She put her arm round her mother's neck and gently, very gently, she bit her mother's ear. "My darling child, you wouldn't like a logical mother, would you? Don't do that. Here's the man." He carried more lilies still, another whole tray. "Bank them up, just inside the door, on both sides of the porch, please," said Mrs. Sheridan. "Don't you agree, Laura?" "Oh, I do, mother." In the drawing-room Meg, Jose and good little Hans had at last succeeded in moving the piano. "Now, if we put this chesterfield against the wall and move everything out of the room except the chairs, don't you think?" "Quite." "Hans, move these tables into the smoking-room, and bring a sweeper to take these marks off the carpet and - one moment, Hans - " Jose loved giving orders to the servants, and they loved obeying her. She always made them feel they were taking part in some drama. "Tell mother and Miss Laura to come here at once.
< 5 > "Very good, Miss Jose." She turned to Meg. "I want to hear what the piano sounds like, just in case I'm asked to sing this afternoon. Let's try over 'This life is Weary.'" Pom! Ta-ta-ta Tee-ta! The piano burst out so passionately that Jose's face changed. She clasped her hands. She looked mournfully and enigmatically at her mother and Laura as they came in. "This Life is Wee-ary, A Tear - a Sigh. A Love that Chan-ges, This Life is Wee-ary, A Tear - a Sigh. A Love that Chan-ges, And then ... Good-bye!" But at the word "Good-bye," and although the piano sounded more desperate than ever, her face broke into a brilliant, dreadfully unsympathetic smile. "Aren't I in good voice, mummy?" she beamed. "This Life is Wee-ary, Hope comes to Die. A Dream - a Wa-kening." But now Sadie interrupted them. "What is it, Sadie?" "If you please, m'm, cook says have you got the flags for the sandwiches?" "The flags for the sandwiches, Sadie?" echoed Mrs. Sheridan dreamily. And the children knew by her face that she hadn't got them. "Let me see." And she said to Sadie firmly, "Tell cook I'll let her have them in ten minutes. Sadie went. "Now, Laura," said her mother quickly, "come with me into the smoking-room. I've got the names somewhere on the back of an envelope. You'll have to write them out for me. Meg, go upstairs this minute and take that wet thing off your head. Jose, run and finish dressing this instant. Do you hear me, children, or shall I have to tell your father when he comes home to-night? And - and, Jose, pacify cook if you do go into the kitchen, will you? I'm terrified of her this morning." The envelope was found at last behind the dining-room clock, though how it had got there Mrs. Sheridan could not imagine. "One of you children must have stolen it out of my bag, because I remember vividly - cream cheese and lemon-curd. Have you done that?" "Yes." "Egg and--" Mrs. Sheridan held the envelope away from her. "It looks like mice. It can't be mice, can it?" "Olive, pet," said Laura, looking over her shoulder. "Yes, of course, olive. What a horrible combination it sounds. Egg and olive." They were finished at last, and Laura took them off to the kitchen. She found Jose there pacifying the cook, who did not look at all terrifying.
< 6 > "I have never seen such exquisite sandwiches," said Jose's rapturous voice. "How many kinds did you say there were, cook? Fifteen?" "Fifteen, Miss Jose." "Well, cook, I congratulate you." Cook swept up crusts with the long sandwich knife, and smiled broadly. "Godber's has come," announced Sadie, issuing out of the pantry. She had seen the man pass the window. That meant the cream puffs had come. Godber's were famous for their cream puffs. Nobody ever thought of making them at home. "Bring them in and put them on the table, my girl," ordered cook. Sadie brought them in and went back to the door. Of course Laura and Jose were far too grown-up to really care about such things. All the same, they couldn't help agreeing that the puffs looked very attractive. Very. Cook began arranging them, shaking off the extra icing sugar. "Don't they carry one back to all one's parties?" said Laura. "I suppose they do," said practical Jose, who never liked to be carried back. "They look beautifully light and feathery, I must say." "Have one each, my dears," said cook in her comfortable voice. "Yer ma won't know." Oh, impossible. Fancy cream puffs so soon after breakfast. The very idea made one shudder. All the same, two minutes later Jose and Laura were licking their fingers with that absorbed inward look that only comes from whipped cream. "Let's go into the garden, out by the back way," suggested Laura. "I want to see how the men are getting on with the marquee. They're such awfully nice men." But the back door was blocked by cook, Sadie, Godber's man and Hans. Something had happened. "Tuk-tuk-tuk," clucked cook like an agitated hen. Sadie had her hand clapped to her cheek as though she had toothache. Hans's face was screwed up in the effort to understand. Only Godber's man seemed to be enjoying himself; it was his story. "What's the matter? What's happened?" "There's been a horrible accident," said Cook. "A man killed." "A man killed! Where? How? When?" But Godber's man wasn't going to have his story snatched from under his very nose. "Know those little cottages just below here, miss?" Know them? Of course, she knew them. "Well, there's a young chap living there, name of Scott, a carter. His horse shied at a traction-engine, corner of Hawke Street this morning, and he was thrown out on the back of his head. Killed."
< 7 > "Dead!" Laura stared at Godber's man. "Dead when they picked him up," said Godber's man with relish. "They were taking the body home as I come up here." And he said to the cook, "He's left a wife and five little ones." "Jose, come here." Laura caught hold of her sister's sleeve and dragged her through the kitchen to the other side of the green baize door. There she paused and leaned against it. "Jose!" she said, horrified, "however are we going to stop everything?" "Stop everything, Laura!" cried Jose in astonishment. "What do you mean?" "Stop the garden-party, of course." Why did Jose pretend? But Jose was still more amazed. "Stop the garden-party? My dear Laura, don't be so absurd. Of course we can't do anything of the kind. Nobody expects us to. Don't be so extravagant." "But we can't possibly have a garden-party with a man dead just outside the front gate." That really was extravagant, for the little cottages were in a lane to themselves at the very bottom of a steep rise that led up to the house. A broad road ran between. True, they were far too near. They were the greatest possible eyesore, and they had no right to be in that neighbourhood at all. They were little mean dwellings painted a chocolate brown. In the garden patches there was nothing but cabbage stalks, sick hens and tomato cans. The very smoke coming out of their chimneys was poverty-stricken. Little rags and shreds of smoke, so unlike the great silvery plumes that uncurled from the Sheridans' chimneys. Washerwomen lived in the lane and sweeps and a cobbler, and a man whose house-front was studded all over with minute bird-cages. Children swarmed. When the Sheridans were little they were forbidden to set foot there because of the revolting language and of what they might catch. But since they were grown up, Laura and Laurie on their prowls sometimes walked through. It was disgusting and sordid. They came out with a shudder. But still one must go everywhere; one must see everything. So through they went. "And just think of what the band would sound like to that poor woman," said Laura. "Oh, Laura!" Jose began to be seriously annoyed. "If you're going to stop a band playing every time some one has an accident, you'll lead a very strenuous life. I'm every bit as sorry about it as you. I feel just as sympathetic." Her eyes hardened. She looked at her sister just as she used to when they were little and fighting together. "You won't bring a drunken workman back to life by being sentimental," she said softly.
< 8 > "Drunk! Who said he was drunk?" Laura turned furiously on Jose. She said, just as they had used to say on those occasions, "I'm going straight up to tell mother." "Do, dear," cooed Jose. "Mother, can I come into your room?" Laura turned the big glass door-knob. "Of course, child. Why, what's the matter? What's given you such a colour?" And Mrs. Sheridan turned round from her dressing-table. She was trying on a new hat. "Mother, a man's been killed," began Laura. "Not in the garden?" interrupted her mother. "No, no!" "Oh, what a fright you gave me!" Mrs. Sheridan sighed with relief, and took off the big hat and held it on her knees. "But listen, mother," said Laura. Breathless, half-choking, she told the dreadful story. "Of course, we can't have our party, can we?" she pleaded. "The band and everybody arriving. They'd hear us, mother; they're nearly neighbours!" To Laura's astonishment her mother behaved just like Jose; it was harder to bear because she seemed amused. She refused to take Laura seriously. "But, my dear child, use your common sense. It's only by accident we've heard of it. If some one had died there normally - and I can't understand how they keep alive in those poky little holes - we should still be having our party, shouldn't we?" Laura had to say "yes" to that, but she felt it was all wrong. She sat down on her mother's sofa and pinched the cushion frill. "Mother, isn't it terribly heartless of us?" she asked. "Darling!" Mrs. Sheridan got up and came over to her, carrying the hat. Before Laura could stop her she had popped it on. "My child!" said her mother, "the hat is yours. It's made for you. It's much too young for me. I have never seen you look such a picture. Look at yourself!" And she held up her hand-mirror. "But, mother," Laura began again. She couldn't look at herself; she turned aside. This time Mrs. Sheridan lost patience just as Jose had done. "You are being very absurd, Laura," she said coldly. "People like that don't expect sacrifices from us. And it's not very sympathetic to spoil everybody's enjoyment as you're doing now." "I don't understand," said Laura, and she walked quickly out of the room into her own bedroom. There, quite by chance, the first thing she saw was this charming girl in the mirror, in her black hat trimmed with gold daisies, and a long black velvet ribbon. Never had she imagined she could look like that. Is mother right? she thought. And now she hoped her mother was right. Am I being extravagant? Perhaps it was extravagant. Just for a moment she had another glimpse of that poor woman and those little children, and the body being carried into the house. But it all seemed blurred, unreal, like a picture in the newspaper. I'll remember it again after the party's over, she decided. And somehow that seemed quite the best plan ...
< 9 > Lunch was over by half-past one. By half-past two they were all ready for the fray. The green-coated band had arrived and was established in a corner of the tennis-court. "My dear!" trilled Kitty Maitland, "aren't they too like frogs for words? You ought to have arranged them round the pond with the conductor in the middle on a leaf." Laurie arrived and hailed them on his way to dress. At the sight of him Laura remembered the accident again. She wanted to tell him. If Laurie agreed with the others, then it was bound to be all right. And she followed him into the hall. "Laurie!" "Hallo!" He was half-way upstairs, but when he turned round and saw Laura he suddenly puffed out his cheeks and goggled his eyes at her. "My word, Laura! You do look stunning," said Laurie. "What an absolutely topping hat!" Laura said faintly "Is it?" and smiled up at Laurie, and didn't tell him after all. Soon after that people began coming in streams. The band struck up; the hired waiters ran from the house to the marquee. Wherever you looked there were couples strolling, bending to the flowers, greeting, moving on over the lawn. They were like bright birds that had alighted in the Sheridans' garden for this one afternoon, on their way to - where? Ah, what happiness it is to be with people who all are happy, to press hands, press cheeks, smile into eyes. "Darling Laura, how well you look!" "What a becoming hat, child!" "Laura, you look quite Spanish. I've never seen you look so striking." And Laura, glowing, answered softly, "Have you had tea? Won't you have an ice? The passion-fruit ices really are rather special." She ran to her father and begged him. "Daddy darling, can't the band have something to drink?" And the perfect afternoon slowly ripened, slowly faded, slowly its petals closed. "Never a more delightful garden-party ... " "The greatest success ... " "Quite the most ... " Laura helped her mother with the good-byes. They stood side by side in the porch till it was all over. "All over, all over, thank heaven," said Mrs. Sheridan. "Round up the others, Laura. Let's go and have some fresh coffee. I'm exhausted. Yes, it's been very successful. But oh, these parties, these parties! Why will you children insist on giving parties!" And they all of them sat down in the deserted marquee.
< 10 > "Have a sandwich, daddy dear. I wrote the flag." "Thanks." Mr. Sheridan took a bite and the sandwich was gone. He took another. "I suppose you didn't hear of a beastly accident that happened to-day?" he said. "My dear," said Mrs. Sheridan, holding up her hand, "we did. It nearly ruined the party. Laura insisted we should put it off." "Oh, mother!" Laura didn't want to be teased about it. "It was a horrible affair all the same," said Mr. Sheridan. "The chap was married too. Lived just below in the lane, and leaves a wife and half a dozen kiddies, so they say." An awkward little silence fell. Mrs. Sheridan fidgeted with her cup. Really, it was very tactless of father ... Suddenly she looked up. There on the table were all those sandwiches, cakes, puffs, all uneaten, all going to be wasted. She had one of her brilliant ideas. "I know," she said. "Let's make up a basket. Let's send that poor creature some of this perfectly good food. At any rate, it will be the greatest treat for the children. Don't you agree? And she's sure to have neighbours calling in and so on. What a point to have it all ready prepared. Laura!" She jumped up. "Get me the big basket out of the stairs cupboard." "But, mother, do you really think it's a good idea?" said Laura. Again, how curious, she seemed to be different from them all. To take scraps from their party. Would the poor woman really like that? "Of course! What's the matter with you to-day? An hour or two ago you were insisting on us being sympathetic, and now--" Oh well! Laura ran for the basket. It was filled, it was heaped by her mother. "Take it yourself, darling," said she. "Run down just as you are. No, wait, take the arum lilies too. People of that class are so impressed by arum lilies." "The stems will ruin her lace frock," said practical Jose. So they would. Just in time. "Only the basket, then. And, Laura!" - her mother followed her out of the marquee - "don't on any account--" "What mother?" No, better not put such ideas into the child's head! "Nothing! Run along." It was just growing dusky as Laura shut their garden gates. A big dog ran by like a shadow. The road gleamed white, and down below in the hollow the little cottages were in deep shade. How quiet it seemed after the afternoon. Here she was going down the hill to somewhere where a man lay dead, and she couldn't realize it. Why couldn't she? She stopped a minute. And it seemed to her that kisses, voices, tinkling spoons, laughter, the smell of crushed grass were somehow inside her. She had no room for anything else. How strange! She looked up at the pale sky, and all she thought was, "Yes, it was the most successful party."
< 11 > Now the broad road was crossed. The lane began, smoky and dark. Women in shawls and men's tweed caps hurried by. Men hung over the palings; the children played in the doorways. A low hum came from the mean little cottages. In some of them there was a flicker of light, and a shadow, crab-like, moved across the window. Laura bent her head and hurried on. She wished now she had put on a coat. How her frock shone! And the big hat with the velvet streamer - if only it was another hat! Were the people looking at her? They must be. It was a mistake to have come; she knew all along it was a mistake. Should she go back even now? No, too late. This was the house. It must be. A dark knot of people stood outside. Beside the gate an old, old woman with a crutch sat in a chair, watching. She had her feet on a newspaper. The voices stopped as Laura drew near. The group parted. It was as though she was expected, as though they had known she was coming here. Laura was terribly nervous. Tossing the velvet ribbon over her shoulder, she said to a woman standing by, "Is this Mrs. Scott's house?" and the woman, smiling queerly, said, "It is, my lass." Oh, to be away from this! She actually said, "Help me, God," as she walked up the tiny path and knocked. To be away from those staring eyes, or to be covered up in anything, one of those women's shawls even. I'll just leave the basket and go, she decided. I shan't even wait for it to be emptied. Then the door opened. A little woman in black showed in the gloom. Laura said, "Are you Mrs. Scott?" But to her horror the woman answered, "Walk in please, miss," and she was shut in the passage. "No," said Laura, "I don't want to come in. I only want to leave this basket. Mother sent--" The little woman in the gloomy passage seemed not to have heard her. "Step this way, please, miss," she said in an oily voice, and Laura followed her. She found herself in a wretched little low kitchen, lighted by a smoky lamp. There was a woman sitting before the fire.
< 12 > "Em," said the little creature who had let her in. "Em! It's a young lady." She turned to Laura. She said meaningly, "I'm 'er sister, miss. You'll excuse 'er, won't you?" "Oh, but of course!" said Laura. "Please, please don't disturb her. I - I only want to leave--" But at that moment the woman at the fire turned round. Her face, puffed up, red, with swollen eyes and swollen lips, looked terrible. She seemed as though she couldn't understand why Laura was there. What did it mean? Why was this stranger standing in the kitchen with a basket? What was it all about? And the poor face puckered up again. "All right, my dear," said the other. "I'll thenk the young lady." And again she began, "You'll excuse her, miss, I'm sure," and her face, swollen too, tried an oily smile. Laura only wanted to get out, to get away. She was back in the passage. The door opened. She walked straight through into the bedroom, where the dead man was lying. "You'd like a look at 'im, wouldn't you?" said Em's sister, and she brushed past Laura over to the bed. "Don't be afraid, my lass," - and now her voice sounded fond and sly, and fondly she drew down the sheet--"'e looks a picture. There's nothing to show. Come along, my dear." Laura came. There lay a young man, fast asleep - sleeping so soundly, so deeply, that he was far, far away from them both. Oh, so remote, so peaceful. He was dreaming. Never wake him up again. His head was sunk in the pillow, his eyes were closed; they were blind under the closed eyelids. He was given up to his dream. What did garden-parties and baskets and lace frocks matter to him? He was far from all those things. He was wonderful, beautiful. While they were laughing and while the band was playing, this marvel had come to the lane. Happy ... happy ... All is well, said that sleeping face. This is just as it should be. I am content. But all the same you had to cry, and she couldn't go out of the room without saying something to him. Laura gave a loud childish sob. "Forgive my hat," she said. And this time she didn't wait for Em's sister. She found her way out of the door, down the path, past all those dark people. At the corner of the lane she met Laurie.
< 13 > He stepped out of the shadow. "Is that you, Laura?" "Yes." "Mother was getting anxious. Was it all right?" "Yes, quite. Oh, Laurie!" She took his arm, she pressed up against him. "I say, you're not crying, are you?" asked her brother. Laura shook her head. She was. Laurie put his arm round her shoulder. "Don't cry," he said in his warm, loving voice. "Was it awful?" "No," sobbed Laura. "It was simply marvellous. But Laurie--" She stopped, she looked at her brother. "Isn't life," she stammered, "isn't life--" But what life was she couldn't explain. No matter. He quite understood. "Isn't it, darling?" said Laurie.

Get Up and Bar the Door


IT fell about the Martinmas time,
And a gay time it was then,
When our good wife got puddings to make,

And she’s boild them in the pan.
The wind sae cauld blew south and north,
And blew into the floor;

Quoth our goodman to our goodwife,
“Gae 1 out and bar the door.”
“My hand is in my hussyfskap,

Goodman, as ye may see;
An it shoud nae be barrd this hundred year,
It’s no be barrd for me.”
They made a paction tween them twa,
They made it firm and sure,
That the first word whaeer shoud speak,
Shoud rise and bar the door.
Then by there came two gentlemen,
At twelve o’clock at night,

And they could neither see house nor hall,
Nor coal nor candle-light.
“Now whether is this a rich man’s house,
Or whether is it a poor?”
But neer a word wad ane o them speak,
For barring of the door.

And first they ate the white puddings,
And then they ate the black;
Tho muckle thought the goodwife to hersel,
Yet neer a word she spake.
Then said the one unto the other,
“Here, man, tak ye my knife;Do ye tak aff the auld man’s beard,
And I’ll kiss the goodwife.”
“But there’s nae water in the house,
And what shall we do than?”

“What ails thee at the pudding-broo,
That boils into the pan?”
O up then started our goodman,
An angry man was he:
“Will ye kiss my wife before my een,
And scad me wi pudding-bree?”

Then up and started our goodwife,
Gied three skips on the floor:
“Goodman, you’ve spoken the foremost word,
Get up and bar the door.”

Martes, Agosto 5, 2008

How Rosang Taba Won a Race by Dean Francis Alfar

For Sage
One afternoon a long time ago, when our country was ruled by Spain, a small party was held at the mansion of the Governor-General and his wife, Carmen. The occasion being celebrated was the defeat of a small force of insurgent natives north of Manila, and the hero of the hour was the young commander of the Spanish forces, Jaime Villareal.“Certainly the lovely Senora can see,” Jaime Villareal said, looking at Carmen directly in the eye. “These natives, these indios, are not much of a threat at all -- certainly not for the flower of Spain. They are lazy, boorish and unorganized. They have no courage, no morals, no civilization.”“I don’t think so, Senor Villareal,” Carmen met his gaze evenly. “If they were given equal opportunity, then I suspect your words would be emptier than they are now. Any one of them is your equal.”“I can defeat any one of them in anything. At any time, anywhere,” Jaime Villareal boasted. “They are like animals.”“I could beat you in a race.”They turned to see who had spoken. A very fat serving woman, carrying a tray of cold refreshment for them, was biting her lips in despair.“Forgive me,” she spoke in halting Spanish, “I did not mean to speak my thoughts out loud.”“No, no,” said Carmen, gliding to the woman’s side. “But did you mean what you said?”“Opo, Senora ,” the woman replied, “I want to show the gentleman that we are certainly not animals.”The Governor-General, impressed by the fact that the woman had courage to speak, gestured to her to come closer. “What is your name?”“I am called Rosang Taba, Senor. I am one of the house servants. I thought you would like some more chocolate,” she said, glancing at the cups and saucers on her tray.Jaime Villareal’s lips lifted in a sneer. “‘The Fat’. How appropriate.”“And do you think you can actually defeat Senor Villareal, in a… ?”“In a race, my lord.”“A race? And you are certain of this?”“Opo, Senor.”“Then you shall have your chance.”Jaime Villareal raised his eyebrows. “Your Excellency, certainly you jest! This, this obese woman is no match for me in anything, especially in a race!”Carmen fixed him with a glance. “You can beat her, yes?”“Of course I can!” Jaime Villareal nearly shouted. Carmen simply smiled.Rosang Taba cleared her throat timidly. “I just ask two things, Senor. As the noble gentleman has said, I am hardly fit. May I ask him for a head start of fifteen paces?”“Take fifty paces!” Jaime Villareal offered, laughing at the absurdity of it all. “What is your other request, that I race blindfolded?”“No, Senor. But that you allow me to choose where we shall race.”“Then do so. We shall race tomorrow afternoon. Let me know where,” Jaime Villareal said before bidding Carmen farewell. “I cannot possibly fail the Senora’s expectations.”“Who said I’m wagering on you?” Carmen smiled coldly at him.After Jaime Villareal left in a huff, the Governor-General wagged a finger at his wife and moved to comfort his favorite commander. And Carmen, without looking directly Rosang Taba, whispered words only they could hear.“Win.” * * *Word about the impossible race spread throughout the districts of Manila, and the extraordinary crowd that gathered to watch divided into two camps alongside the Plaza Binondo, one of the oldest places in the city.On the side of the Spanish, rich velvets, silks and fine brocade created a sea of color, punctuated by gaily hued parasols and glittering jewelry. The entire Cortes was present, resplendent in their hastily constructed pavilions that shimmered in the afternoon sun. The Mother Church, foreign envoys and diplomats, visiting artists and the most decorated members of the Guardia Civil added to their numbers.Across from them, those they called indios stood shoulder-to-shoulder -- uniformed tradesmen, laborers and servants, forming an expanse of white, blue and red camisa, brown salakots and lilac bellos. Hawkers moved among them, offering bibingka, turon and cassava cakes, as the crowd’s collective heart beat in fervent anticipation of the incredible event.When Jaime Villareal arrived, dressed in turquoise doublet and breeches, the Spanish crowd burst into a thunderous applause.When Rosang Taba made her appearance, dressed in cloth and colors of her father’s mountain tribe that magnificently displayed her unabashed health, the Spanish began to laugh. But the spontaneous cheer of the Filipinos robbed their laughter of its cruel power and shook the very foundations of the Plaza.The Governor-General approached the two contestants. “Rosa,” he said as the crowd strained to listen. “I assume the Plaza Binondo is the start of your race course. You will now tell us both the middle and the end.”“Opo, Senor,” said Rosang Taba replied. She raised a huge arm and pointed eastwards. “Senor Villareal and I must go through the length of the Street of Lost Hope and return here.”A gasp escaped the side of the Filipinos. Rosang Taba’s father began to laugh, and was almost immediately followed by another person, and another and another and soon all the crowd on that side was laughing with tears in their eyes.The Spanish did not know what to make of it. The Governor-General raised his hand for silence.“Senor Villareal, do you understand the course?”“Of course, Your Excellency,” Jaime Villareal bowed. “That street over there. No doubt it loops back to this Plaza.”“Very well. Proceed to the mouth of the street. You may then take your fifteen paces, Rosa,” the Governor-General instructed them. “At my signal, the race will begin.”“You are a foolish woman,” Jaime Villareal told her as they moved towards the mouth of the Street of Lost Hope. “You have chosen an appropriately named street for our course.”When they reached the street, Rosang Taba counted fifteen steps from its beginning and Jaime Villareal, the pride of the Spanish, realized that he would lose.The Street of Lost Hope was the narrowest lane in all of Manila, averaging five hand spans in width. It was so slender that no more than one person could navigate its length at a time. And Rosang Taba was no ordinary person.Rosang Taba ran as fast as she could, and Jaime Villareal, with an animal roar, quickly closed the fifteen pace gap. But he could not pass her -- so tightly was her bulk wedged along the constricted path that he could not even see where they were going. She endured his curses and threats, squeezing through the wickedly narrow lane. Her shoulders began to bleed as she scraped roughly against the walls.“Let me pass, you animal!” Jaime Villareal cried, savagely planting a boot in her back.“No!” Rosa shouted, biting back the sting, refusing to allow even one tear to escape her eyes, as she fought to maintain her position and balance.“Let me pass!” Jaime Villareal screamed, as he attempted to clamber over her, only to be frustrated by the low ceilings formed by the lane’s old arches.Each time he struck her with his fists or feet, Rosa voiced her passionate denial of his demands. He tried pushing her, biting her, clawing at her, ramming her, tripping her, entangling her, everything he could possibly do, but she was a natural bottleneck all the way around and back to the Plaza Binondo where they began, to the deafening roar of the Filipinos and the stunned silence of the Spanish, sparkling mutely in the sunset.With the gift of gold given to her by Carmen, the Governor-General’s wife, Rosang Taba did three things: she purchased her family’s freedom, visited a mountain that figured constantly in her dreams, and married a man who could not drown in the irrepressible bounty of her heart. She never raced again.Se?or Jaime Villareal left on the next outward bound galleon and vanished quietly into the sea.

"Suman" by Corinna Esperanza Nuqui

This story won Second Prize for Futuristic Fiction in English in the 2006 Palanca Awards.
Dirty scents excited her, the dirtier the better. When Alice announced this to the group of sense-photographers at the meeting for the new sensate advertising campaign, they all laughed. Who could have predicted that dirty things would bring in wealth? One of the men opened an illicit capsule of blue seal cigarette scent, and knuckles cracked audibly around the room, as the men shifted in their seats, remembering the gestures of smoking, the peculiar choreography of hand to mouth arguments over lay-outs, collaterals. Half a lifetime ago, the room would have been swathed in actual tobacco smoke. As the people in the room began to accommodate, to naturally lose the scent from the foreground of consciousness, she blew a raspberry at the group. Yes, broken wind is all the rage now, she said. It reminds us to cut through the crap that won’t leave! The photo team filed out, promising thumbnails and quenelles of scented wax samples for the next day.Alice pulled at the hem of her microfiber jacket, and adjusted the cuffs so that her skin would be protected from the cold. The sun had begun to set, casting parts of the room in reddish-gold, as Alice lowered window shades. She wore no perfumes, unless she was working with a particular scent or flavor that needed “living with.” Her feet tapped the lacquered mat under her brushed steel-topped desk as she reached over to the windows.It was a language of double entendres for industry insiders. If something smelled too clean, too perfect, it was doomed to fail, for it reminded folk of the propaganda era. No one would buy the harsh, single-note stridencies that were so fashionable at the end of the last century. Something stinky in the state of the nation? That was the latest catchphrase used to sell edible videoke anahaw fans that wafted ions into the air to remind one of less polluted times. That was the irony. The dirtier and more toxic the environment became, the more sophisticated the alphabets of flavors and scents in the laboratories and in the agencies. It was counter-intuitive that with the reductive approach, simple fluency slipped further and further away, the more difficult translation became. Flavor mappers had to work long shifts to identify each molecule and calibrate proportions to fuzzy acceptability.Marketers knew the politics of pleasing the aging populace hinged on maddeningly simple things. Something as homely as the flavor of bagoong alamang from the middle of the last century was now precious. The mutated shrimp fry in the oceans had concentrated toxins, as did many fish. Another popular facsimile on the convenience market was edible soy gel that was infused with chocolate notes mixed in with fish. Spooned over hothouse rice, it was the closest thing to champorado.Alice was the only one of five flavor mappers in the Philippines, hungry for the recreation of tastes that were vanished from current folkways. Why bother, she thought, as the dehumidifier-scubbers shuffled and coughed rhythmically from the window near her desk. Water, they were surrounded by water, one could see the ocean donning this and that archival blue as the beams of lightcraft hovered over portions of the bay. She could use a massage, from someone with fleshy hands, someone with sinew and patience to use only the slightest pressure, someone willing to disappear without comment when she began to cry, as she knew she would, each time someone actually touched her.It was easy to keep away from people these days, she would communicate via passive feeds that ran through the dark wall panelling in her room, or else use the antique wrist console she snapped to a sleeve. Why bother with this business of selling, she thought, when one could get away with stealing? That’s what the flavor business was about, to her mind, it wasn’t about concentrating a perfect profile, it was about power, manipulation, deceit. The flavor that was just so, that could carry an entire generation into useful nostalgia, for if they lived entirely to breathe in a past that didn’t exist anymore, they would be malleable and passive in the present as long as they had their flavor packets. She needed to maintain the correct humidity of sixty percent within her work room so that it would not be too difficult to fix a scent in her mind. Drier than that, she would get nosebleeds. If the humidity went up to eighty percent, she wouldn’t be able to clear her palate efficiently, ultimately fatiguing her senses with the attendant bouquets of each faux-distillate. From the build-up of fricative pressure when she sniffed through her modified nose, scents of certain molecular complexity could be assessed without resorting to old-fangled chromatography. What mattered in the end was that she cared beyond reason to keep her clients enthralled by the subtle backgrounds she created for them.Most people now lived via layers of avatars in hyperspace media, lived reclusive sedentary lives within small localities, pockets of family here and there. Nothing like the bad old days of extended families and social networks that allowed corruption. To keep a sense of connectedness, families traded balikbayan scent packets, wax quenelles that were melted to release volatiles into the air. It was a quick way to create an atmosphere that brought the mind back to the past without allowing the past to become too clear or too oppressive a reality.She was the only flavor mapper who advocated apprenticeships. She took in a young woman from the south, Silmah, who was willing to give up her life as a coir and leaf scent encoder, a lucrative trace industry in a world where usable plants did not grow outside the laboratory farms.The accretion of collective memory attached to scent, to flavor, that was what made up the wealth of the industry. Manila had become such an important hub for product development, not just for food, but for comfort rations. With scent and flavor libraries built up in the old districts of Diliman and Muntinlupa, Western nations continued to trade access to these archives for commodities. Hunger is what drove the generations of Filipinos into the diaspora, and it was flavor packets that helped anchor them to their present locales. It became important to keep this cash-flush elite happy, or else work would stop in sensitive telecommunications across the world. Ludicrous to think that a Filipino would be caught without his arsenal of scent packets, they dulled the quotidian pains like no other drugs.Decades ago, the important industry secret was that sex pheromones were infused into the most banal products to bolster interest. Now, the crowd wanted the food they couldn’t get anymore. No more bagoong, no more tinapa, no more suman. Eating, the memory of eating under trees, the memory of being fed by mothers, grandmothers, family, this is what made people stay in certain jobs without knowing that they were being manipulated by scent, by flavor facsimilies.Suman was Alice’s first project with Silmah, she had to comb through the archives of scent tapes to get a sketch of what Filipinos wanted in their comfort foods: a sense of fullness, the starchy gelatinous indefinable umami bliss. The flavor of lye-treated short grain rice, the better for saponification. Why did this matter so much?Silmah had a hankering after the real thing, it was clear by the way she lost sleep over a few stray molecules that remained unmapped in the suman profiles. There were several candidates for standardization, they were in demand because short grain rice had become an endangered crop, unresponsive to the tinkering of botanical geneticists when the inevitable crossover GMO DNA altered the flavor profiles. “How much are we going to be paid for this suman?” asked Silmah. She knew she was overstepping her bounds, as secrecy laws did not allow her boss to reveal what the bottom line was in these deals. “The last thing I want to talk about is money,” said Alice to Silmah. The younger woman shrugged. She wanted to talk about money because she could smell it, literally, when anyone talked about payday or even gift certificates for instant entrees at the vending machine. Silmah remembered what it was like to finger old money, to feel the clank and clatter of the old coins used as currency. She remembered what her hands smelled like after she counted the coins out on her grandmother’s bedspread.Silmah was a synaesthete, instantly tying up sensations with memory, attaching flavor to color, sound to texture, in all the permutations that would have maddened a less phlegmatic being. She dealt with people in a pleasant, offhand manner. Her husband joked that she had a default desktop setting that said “Mabuhay!” emitting the easygoing scents of pedestrian citrus and coffee.Alice had spread out part of her scent and flavor cache for this project. Together, they dipped paper slips into each console labeled with the names of the scents. The names were baffling to the novice mapper, who decried the sketchy labels like “Brown air” and dreamt of more complex caches of “Seared copra on sunburn,” “coconut leaf steam,” “Banana heart steamed.” Alice had chosen “Ashen coconut shell,” “virgin coconut oil,”and “toasted wheat flavor” with “banana leaf burnt” and ‘banana leaf steam,” “Glutinous rice34 steam,” and “Coconut ash lye2.” For now, they would ignore the caramel and sugar scents and try to round out a profile mixing coconut, ash, steam, and rice to make a suman facsimilie.They threw the slips of paper with each elemental scent into a collator and brought out inhalator tubes. They wafted the resulting mixes in micropercentages, working in simple permutations at first, guided by a mathematical algorithm sketched on Alice’s pad. In that way, Alica was old-fashioned. She collected paper and pencils from the last century so that she could use them to sketch in real life, instead of on the plasma screens. It was an indulgence that only mappers could afford, what with the steep prices of graphite and paper pulp in the markets.What are you doing? asked Silmah, as she watched Alice sink into her chair and hold her head in her hands, still clutching the inhalator tubes. Silmah took the tube from Alice. She breathed in the prescribed pattern in preparation for sniffing, three even breaths into a neutral tube, then one or two with the mixed sample. She held the tube to her nose and let the air circulate into her mouth, tickling her soft palate. She felt the ash on her hands and the sting of lye on her fingertips, imagining that open fire under a kettle with a steamer where suman would be cooked. She could almost feel the smooth ribs of banana leaf, fresh, almost plastic-like and put its harshness down to the nastiness of reductive chemistry that dominated the last century. What irked her finally was the central note of steamed rice starch. There was something missing, a syllable of scent, more than a syllable, a phrase.Alice was still holding her head in her hands. Silmah knew that Alice had Kapampangan roots, that her grandparents had been one of the last generations to enjoy the rice delicacy before greenhousing killed the outdoor crop industry. Was her boss having a meltdown?Alice held the inhalator to her nose. She too, knew of course, that something was missing. There was little cohesiveness between the notes, she could sense the banana leaf, the steam, the notes of ash and lye could be toned down, but with what? Her central note in the phrase was rice starch steamed. How can one believe that scent is glutinous? She wondered, as this scent had come all the way from an ancient file library in New Jersey. How could a scent specialist tag that scent in such a cold, dry place rife with effluents, even if that was over fifty years ago?“It’s over,” she told Silmah. “We’ve reached the end of our range. How do we round this out so that this scent story is believable?” A scent story that made perfect sense on the palate when applied in actual foodstuffs, that was key to keeping clients happy.“I know what it needs,” Silmah said. “It needs a body, a body that doesn’t exist anymore.” In between the notes of rice and starch and leaf steam, there should be the memory of actual labor, of peeling the sticky leaf off the central mass of glutinous joy, the feel of a bite of heat, plump nurturing gestures that made childhood in the last century a touchstone for the bereft in the next.Alice remembered her grandfather, telling her how the skin on his hands would sometimes peel after he mixed the lye with grains and spread them carefully out to dry. She would need human epithelials to round out this profile.Alice began to retch, a common side effect when inhaling nature-identical untempered notes. She spat into the dish reserved for this purpose. “It’s no use.” She said to Silmah. “We’ll need a pound of flesh for this, without shedding a drop of blood.”

Mahogany Water by Socorro Villanueva

This story won First Prize for the Short Story in English in the 2006 Palanca Awards.
Julian has had so many pets die on him (hamsters, fish, a spider, a bird) that I worried he, only eight, might think life so inordinately flimsy, full of sad surprises: someone you care for turning stiff। I sat him down once, talked about life’s bumps and grinds, about cycles and seasons along the endless line of time। I carried on like I was Ecclesiastes until he picked up a ball, bounced it off the wall and followed it out the door। In October, with his birthday money he got himself a rabbit. Fine with me. White fur, twitchy nose. He is not discouraged, only resolutely more watchful. He put the new pet in an old birdcage where Eaglet, his maya, had lived and died. He’d always named his pets with a kind of no-nonsense logic: the first pair of hamsters had been Hammy and Hammer, and then there were Hammy Jr. and Hammer Jr. The fish, just guppies in a glass bowl really, were Swimmy and Dive and Orbit and Slimy and Sharko; the spider’s name was Spy. (It’s not that he doesn’t have a vocabulary. He says ‘stupendous,’ ‘acquisition,’ ‘reverberate—Touch this, Mama, feel it reverberate. He’s a genius!) I suggested Snowball for this rabbit, as it tucks its head in and curls up into a ball when it sleeps, but he said, “That’s sissy.” And so he named it Buddy. Buddy Rabbit, like sinusitis.We take Buddy with us, now two months old, to Punta Fuego. Takes me and Julian forever to get Francis to come along, a roundabout series of arguing and bargaining and cajoling, come-on-Daddy, please-Daddy, until finally Julian and I win, and we all go, for private Christmasing with Gracie and her kids. It’s the best time to go out of town, too; all those rabid holiday shoppers making traffic crazy, why deal with that? And Gracie is balikbayan—and not just back from the States, but back to her old self. The last time Francis and I saw her was three years ago in McLean where she lived, when she was newly-divorced, losyang and pudgy and weepy. Not like her at all. She took us to Arlington cemetery in D.C. where she cried as if JFK was her ex-husband. Wiped her cry-snot with her pashmina like it was tissue. What’s with your friend? Francis asked me, as if he needed establish whose friend she was. “My friend just got divorced, heartless.” I said.I took Gracie out to Red Box Karaoke the night of her arrival, just last week, the two of us. Her old shine is back; she looked sharp: jeans, tank tops, a short jacket, Blahniks. A fox! “Why are we singing alone in this tiny room?” she said. “Where’s the audience?” We had big fun like we did when we were skinny and clueless and boy-crazy, back in the days of Mahogany Water, that song-and-dance trio we put together in our all-girl college to meet boys. I was Patti Austin; she, Pauline Wilson. The good-time, big-hair mid-eighties. Our third member, Weena, played guitar and did anyone from Roberta Flack to Whitney Houston, as well as, for laughs, Imelda Papin. We got the name Mahogany Water from Weena’s father who made us drink a concoction of steeped mahogany seeds he got from his caddy at Aguinaldo. Awfully bitter. The taste, we used to say, of boiled golf shoes. It was supposed to make us invincible. Weena’s daddy, 5-star general, what a quack! He stomped his feet—tiny little stomps, like a boy throwing a tantrum at a toy store—as Weena was being lowered to the ground. Dead at 21 from a steering wheel lodged in her chest. Vincible.Gracie and I tour our borrowed Punta Fuego house, a humongous Rubik’s cube made of glass with some corner quadrants lopped off. It’s shamelessly large for a weekend retreat; eight huge bedrooms spread over three floors. The bits of detail—stone, wood, glass, leather—smell of over-the-top money. Every twelve-inch plank of wood makes me think of landslides in Quezon, but I don’t tell Gracie that, her sister owns the place, so I tell her, “it’s so L Decor.” I must admit it’s very pretty, though. The design is so open, as if the ocean and sky are part of the house, and darn it, I like it. I like it so much I attempt to compute how many million episodes of telekomedya and gag shows I have to write for ABS, how many thousand tax cases Francis has to lawyer for to buy us a trophy like this. “Heeey. Does this make you feel like Master of the Universe or what?” I say to Francis, whom we find at the second-level terrace, standing in the hammering ten o’clock sun. He’s wearing his new shorts that Julian and I got only the day before (Look, Mama, Speedo Voyager swimsuit shorts!). Francis hasn’t gone swimming in years, and though he’d still fit in his old blue-and-white-striped Lycra trunks—and he’d wear them, too!—that would be too funny for Gracie. I mean, let’s be in vogue here, right? He has widened around the waist, just a bit—the practice of corporate law doesn’t make for much aerobic exercise and he’s near forty already. He’s looking out at the spectacular 360-degree view through Julian’s spyglasses and I know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking God and binoculars. Magnificent and magnifying. He’s into humanities and gadgets and Discovery Channel. A giant boy in shorts loose like a skirt.Across the water on the north side where the ridge curves, there is a larger house, large like Alcatraz even in the distance, and Francis points to it.“Whoa, that one’s a biggie,” Gracie says. “Isn’t it weird, all these estates, and outside, those kids?” In front of barrios along the stretch of highway leading to Punta Fuego we saw children, some half the size of Julian—they’re babies!—waving Merry Christmas placards, asking for money. A bit of in-your-face guilt they fling to the rich on their way in. Gracie’s half-American kids thought they were there simply for the goodwill, for the cheer! Like little brown ambassadors. You too, you too, Merry Christmas! “That house has a telescope you can count moon craters with. Wohow, someone’s watching me watching him,” says Francis, stepping back. We see a flash of light from that direction. A glint of sun deflected from a mirror, maybe, or something flashy like a Rolex.“Wave,” Gracie tells me.“I don’t see him,” I say.“Wave anyway,” she says; smiling brightly, her hands already up in the air.Gracie has always been the most ebullient one, forever effusive and showy, not to mention the prettiest. She got the most attention, and, even as I’d rather drop dead than admit it, she was the chick; she was Mahogany Water’s main attraction. Back in the day, I had issues with that—called her names to myself sometimes. I remember Ricky. Boy-of-my-dreams Ricky, for whom I did all my tricks onstage at the La Salle College Fair, practically sang to his ear, and still he blew wolf whistles for Gracie. You’re the funny one, Beth, he said to me. Pucha! Weena had a few mishaps like this happen to her would-be loves, too. And this—this wide-armed lunatic openness to people is what puts Gracie ahead. “Come on, wave!”“Stop it already,” I tell her. Gracie’s kids, Bianca and Kevin and Carlos, they look almost as American as their father, as Gracie is tisay to begin with, 25% Russian—don’t ask me how—with an unspellable middle name. “Ma, they’re foreigners!” Julian said when he met her kids. Now they are all splayed on the living room floor, looking in on the rabbit cage. I could make out their teeth in their reflections on the hardwood floor. “Nobody take out Buddy from the cage,” Julian tells them.“Why you the boss of the rabbit?” Carlos asks him. Carlos is four and must be dying to hold the pet. “It’s his rabbit, Carlos,” says Bianca, running a forefinger on a cage grill. She is older than Julian by a year. “Why can’t we take him out? Don’t you ever take him out?” She has green eyes.Julian turns, belly up, resting his weight on his elbows. He looks around, catches my eye for a moment and I give him a wink but his eyes are too fast, he misses it. He’s looking for potential rabbit hazards, so I look around as well, imagining his thoughts. Buddy can ram his tiny head on the huge glass windows all around, he can overrun the terrace and land in the swimming pool below; or, he might get blind from all this ocean-side light. “I don’t know,” he says, standing up. “I think it’s okay for him to run around here,” says Bianca.“I don’t know,” he says again. “Pets die easy. ”“No, they don’t. My cousin has a golden retriever and it’s two…wenty-four years old,” says Kevin. Hearing this, Gracie raises her eyebrows at me and grins. Kids embellish! They exaggerate!“A retriever’s not a pet,” says my boy. “It’s a animal,” says Carlos smartly. Julian nods his head. He thinks for a bit and then he says, “A pet is something between insect and animal.“ My turn to grin. “Come here, Jaloosh,” I say.“Why?” he mouths.“Come here, gimme hug,” I say, and he walks over and wraps his skinny arms around my neck. “I love you, Jalooshkins,” I whisper to his ear.“I love you too, Mamooshkins,” he says.“But I love you more!” I say.“Na-ah. I love you more.”“That’s not possible,” I say, and he runs back to his rabbit, saying, “it’s possible, its possible,” as he goes.“That’s cute,” Gracie says. “It’s a script,” I say. We say the same lines to each other everyday like prayer. Gracie is having it really good here: two yayas for her kids, a cook, a chauffeured SUV, pantry to put Santi’s Deli to shame, and this graciousness of her sister’s cascades down to me and mine. Having brought nothing but my Magic Sing and a bagful of kangkong for Buddy, I’m feeling like I’m queen of Sheba here, fresh from a swim, eating shrimp salad with a silver fork in the brightest dining room on the planet. The yayas have set up a kiddie table where the children are having spaghetti and fried chicken, and where Bianca, precocious like her mother, carries on like she was some chairman of the board. Or like Gloria Arroyo on a good day.“We’re going to call us the Secret Society Club, and I’m the president and so you listen to me, okay?” she says. The curls of her hair bounce like coil springs.“Who’s the boss of the rabbit now?” Carlos wants to know. A yaya wipes the edges of his mouth with a linen napkin.“This is not about the rabbit, Carlos!” says Kevin.“Okay,” says Bianca. “Julian, you’re the boss of Buddy the rabbit, but you have to let all of us hold him three times a day. Kevin, you will be the vice-president, so you have to follow me because I’m president. Okay?”“Sounds like democracy,” says Francis. I reach over and pinch his arm to silence him, accidentally toppling a knife to the floor. The kids turn their attention to this little commotion in our table, and I signal Gracie to pretend to be oblivious, but she can’t help herself from giggling. When she giggles, her eyes squint as if to let the light into her face so that she glows, it looks like, from inside her skin. And she shows a lot of cleavage between the V of her turquoise top that I suddenly feel nervous, and pucha, I need to watch my husband’s eyes.“We have to have a secret spot. Every secret club should have one,” says Julian, glancing at our table. “There are spies everywhere.” “Yes, the billiard room downstairs will be our secret spot. And, we will always stick together, of course that’s our motto of the club.” Bianca is whispering now, though we can still hear clearly.“Even sleeping time?”“Sleeping time, swimming time, eating time, we’ll stick together,” says Kevin.“Yes, no matter what happens, we will stick together,” says Julian, mouth bursting with enthusiasm and spaghetti. He’s a joiner. He likes clubs.“We can’t speak when our mouth is full of pasta, Jool,” I say. He looks at me from the corner of his eye then turns to his friends, says conspiratorially, “Unless problems, such as adults, happen.”Gracie laughs hardest. I’m laughing, too, but then I see Francis’ eyes flit from her boobs to his shrimp and back again and I feel the room darken a bit. “We’re going to behave ourselves, aren’t we?” I say, looking straight at Francis with my eyes popped. There is no access to the beach. Between the houses and the water is a scraggy ridge to negotiate which you have to be either a mountain climber with a rappel rope or a skydiver with—well, wings. No wonder there’s a swimming pool. This set-up, it’s funny—it’s all for show, a pretend beach house. The ocean? Untouchable! How jokey is that? Ooh, the rich and their funny vanities.“I’m sure there’s a way down there somewhere,” Francis says. He is on a hammock, reading with his shades on, his six-foot frame bent like a pretzel. Gracie is face down on a mat beside the pool just a few feet away—an ogle away—the two swells of her butt peeking out of her bikini like twin blimps heralding the start a major adult problem. “Why’re you here?” I ask Francis, pushing the rope above him with enough force so that half of him tilts in, then out. He lowers a leg to the floor, putting his swing to a stop. He takes off his shades and cocks his head to the side, showing the angle where he most resembles Julian, like he is Julian thirty years from now. He opens his mouth to speak but words don’t come out so he just gapes. I’ve seen this gape many times. It’s usually followed by something like, “What’s your problem, Beth?”I don’t know where my panics come from. Wifehood, motherhood, they make me crazy. I stand at the gates of the grade school, picking up Julian, and a horde of them mini-Jesuits come charging out and they all look the same so I can’t tell which one is mine and that fills me up with dread. What if he doesn’t see me, and he panics and he runs all the way to Katipunan and gets run over by a maniac truck driver? “I won’t get lost, Ma, I’m eight,” Julian has said to me four times already. I stay where I am, beside the hammock, blocking my husband’s view of Gracie. He is reading Clinton, and he says “I’m on the Lewinsky now.” I’d just showered and my hair is dripping on my dress, which is a beach tunic in blinding orange; it’s way too short. Someone’s pasalubong from Boracay. I didn’t think I’d ever wear it—it’s too Joyce Jimenez. But it’s something Gracie would wear. It’s a Gracie kind of look.“Is that new? It’s nice,” Francis says. “It’s a gift. Isn’t it too short? Too orange? Really, you like it?”He reaches under the hem of it, slides his fingers beneath the lacy elastic of my panties. “Let’s go upstairs,” he says. “Now?” It’s only half past three.“Now.”Sometimes after sex I think of my mother. I can tell she had sex all the time—she gave birth ten times, once every two years. Ten girls until she was fat and confused. Couldn’t say our names off the top of her head. But to imagine how she behaved in bed? I can’t! It must have been, what, facile? Perfunctory? As methodical as baking a cake?—Tonight, we’re going to try to bake a BOY. Was she even awake? I can’t think of my mother doing the things I do with Francis. No way.I was the sixth girl, come at a time when the disappointment had given way to disgust: Babae na naman? Relatives, friends, the whole stretch of Pinaglabanan is saying the same thing. Another girl? The whole city of San Juan!We were all mistakes. We should have been boys. My sisters and me were all screwed, trying all our lives to be the best disappointment Daddy ever had. Daddy with the stingy, stingy heart.We had a spinster aunt live with us, what with all those girl-babies and wedding cakes Mommy had to make. Auntie Paz told me—she told me many times—that my father refused to look at me after I was born, left my mother at the hospital and got drunk and smashed somebody’s face, so that if I didn’t eat my sitaw my Daddy “will give you to the bumbay who will grind you into paper money.” And Daddy will not miss me. I swear to God that’s the first thought that came to my head. A month before my wedding, I stopped speaking to Daddy altogether after my mother—what was she thinking?—did me some girl-talk, and said, “Anak, men are faithless.” She said I had better accept that as a fact as early as I could to save me a lot of misery. “Was Daddy?”“That’s beside the point.”“Does he have a bastard boy?”“That’s not the point, anak.” What Francis does after sex is sleep. I leave him alone in his apnea and walk around the house again, dispelling the residues of passion, shaking off the happy guilt of broad-daylight sex in someone else’s bed. I see the yayas outside the billiard room like a bunch of groupies, banished by the Secret Society. They’re nibbling on butong pakwan, slipping the black spit-soaked peels into the pockets of their uniforms, afraid to make a mess. They won’t sit on the Italian-leather sofas. Gracie, fresh from a shower, is talking to her sister on the phone, lying on a divan in the living room with both her legs up on the wall. “What are you now, a Lladro?” I say. I look up to the second floor veranda to see if by any chance she could be seen from our bedroom upstairs. “Pee-la-teees,” she says, cupping the receiver.The stairwell comes alive as four kids run up the stairs at once, a curious formation: Carlos and Kevin in front, Bianca and Julian at the back together, holding either end of the rabbit cage. What, she blinks her green eyes at him and he’s in love with her already? Three yayas trail behind, my lieutenant, yaya Lengleng, included, their rubber slippers flip-flopping on the wooden steps. I follow the kids to the kitchen, and I hear the tail end of a sentence being spoken by Bianca, apparently a suggestion (as can only come from a girl) to wash the vegetables before giving it for feed. “Hey, baby!” I say.Julian spins around, a clear ripple of disgust washing over his face. He mumbles that shush, he’s not a baby.“Oh, sorry. I forgot, you’re an attorney,” I say, sing-song. They are raiding the fridge, Bianca giving orders to the others like a mother in a supermarket. “Don’t get that. Get this. Take that one.” Without gel on his hair his bangs keep falling into his face and he jerks his chin up constantly to flip them away—the handsomest boy in the world. He keeps glancing at Bianca like a boyfriend, holding a bouquet of kangkong. I will not have any other child. He’s enough. He’s plenty. Takes all my time, all my heart. “Come here, guapo, gimme hug,” I say. “Tsk,” he says. He approaches me, and I stoop down to welcome his embrace, my lips already puckered. But he goes for my ear and whispers, “Ma, can you stop please?” When I go into shock my face feels numb and lines of songs go off in my head. I feel the earth move. Shake, rattle, roll. Say you love me. Shanananana.Gracie and I keep in constant touch—I write her long emails full of exclamation points. We’ve been face-to-face only five times in fourteen years, and each time—but for the last—is a regression into an earlier age. (The last visit kept us in the dire divorce-wracked heaviness of her present.) With the kids caught up in their merriments and Francis watching the whole Godfather series on a wall-mounted plasma television, Gracie and I sing and reminisce and drink wine until well into the night. We have these little memory snippets like coins for a jukebox time machine that returns us to a time we are Mahogany Water again and we hate Madonna and everything disco. We are jazz. We are wearing penny loafers and smelling of Anais Anais and Weena is alive. The happy, the superkaduper fun parts. The days of giddy hope and pointless imaginings. We will all be, someday, in New York where Weena will hang her panties on Kenny G’s saxophone and I will marry Woody Allen and Gracie will be Grizabella in Cats. The memory of all that.The next day, Buddy is dead. Dead, it appears, from a couple of siling labuyo the children had fed him the night before. Dead from lethal ingestion, I whisper to Gracie. As hot as a Playboy buddy, Francis says. The kids are quick to point fingers, going into a vigorous exercise of blame and accusation that strains the fragile threads binding their day-old society. “I told you he didn’t need a midnight snack!”“I told you that wasn’t a baby carrot!”“But you fed it to him first!”“It’s not my fault.” “I told you pets die easy,” Julian says solemnly and us adults stop joking around. This is the tender and exquisite grief of the young.We have a burial ceremony for Buddy at noon in the vacant lot beside the house. We watch as Francis lowers what looks like a fur shoe into a shallow hole. Carlos is sobbing beside Kevin, who is wearing a scowl on his face, the top of his lips beading with sweat. Even Bianca is looking grave. She is murmuring something to herself, perhaps a prayer, the act of contrition. I cringe with sympathy for him as I watch Julian’s quiet sadness. I haven’t said a word to him since he rebuffed me yesterday, and now he looks at me and our eyes lock for a while, a secret exchange of grief between him and me, a look that says all that needs said: I’m sorry, it’s all right, I love you. He looks away first, looks down and starts pushing dirt onto the hole with his foot.Buddy’s burial leaves me in a benign mood all afternoon. I have no wish to swim or crack jokes or make love. I sit alone on my borrowed bed and look at the sky through the glass walls and think of Weena—not the sunshine rah-rah Weena but the Weena in a box and all the grief it stands for. I remember the debilitating envy I had of her father’s love. Grieve. I can do this all day. Through the night, I could. I’m good at feeling sorry—I moped and cried and stayed in bed for weeks after Weena’s death—I can do this forever. But Francis comes in and takes me by the hand to the terrace. ”Look,” he says. Julian and Kevin and Bianca and Carlos are playing in the pool, chasing, splashing, diving in and flapping about, screeching like dolphins, laughing like birds. Having fun. “They’d forgotten.” At the rim of the pool, Gracie, queen of fools, dances to Jingle Bells. I look away. From the house across the water I think I see a glint of light flash for one brief moment and I wave. I fling my arms like crazy.